In to Her

She sucks in a deep, deep breath through her nose. Grimaces. Probably picturing these tangential people who pass in and out of her bar and her life. And how she does the same for them.

“You’re a fixture. I think that’s something people who want to give up don’t realize. You’re a fixture in this world. And maybe that’s not the best thing to be, but it’s more than nothing. Very, very few people are nobodies. Very, very few people can take their own life and not leave destruction in their wake. And sometimes I think… you know what? Why should I care? Why should I care when there’s no point to any of it anyway? Life has no point, ya know?”

She just stares at me.

“We’re born. We live. We die. That’s all there is to it.”

She exhales out a long breath. Like she’s been holding it in for a while. “So who cares?” she says. “If there’s no point then it doesn’t matter.”

I shrug. “The point is to have experiences, Yvette. To learn things. To explore, to need, to love, to hate, to win. To lose,” I add. “It’s just about experiences. That’s it. And some of them are good. And some of them are bad. But all of them add up to just one thing in the end.”

“What?” she whispers. “What do they add up to? Disappointment and regrets? Because that’s all I’ve gotten so far.”

I stand up, cross the small distance between us, and tap her on the head. “No. They add up to you, Yvette.”

“What?” she asks, making a face.

“You,” I say. “There is only one you. So the only point of life is to be you. That’s it. Whatever that is. Whatever that means. Nothing more. Nothing less. It’s just… a ride, ya know? There’s no winners. We’re all losers in the end. We’re all gonna die. So what’s the point in quitting the game early when we already know how it ends?”

She shakes her head. Lets out half a laugh. “That doesn’t make me feel better.”

“Yeah, because your life sucks right now. Well, it did. Then Logan and I walked into your bar and the fucking sun came out.”

She smiles for real now. “You’re stupid, AJ.”

“So I’ve been told. Many times, believe me. But I’m also right.”

I take the pill bottle out of my pocket and place it on top of the jukebox.

Yvette looks at it, then at me.

But I just shrug. “Fuck it. You wanna quit early? Go ahead. But I’d just like to say… you’re not you yet.” I tap her on the head again. “You’re still baking, cookie. You’re still doughy inside. You can come out of the oven now and the world won’t end. Hell, I love me a half-baked cookie. But if you just give it a few more minutes you’ll cook all the way through.”

She looks at Logan.

“Don’t look at him,” I say, tipping her chin back in my direction. “He’s not in charge of you. Only you are in charge of you. What he does is his business. He’s playing his game. He’s gathering up all his experiences, just like the rest of us. And we have nothing to do with his decisions.”

“He wants to kill me. You came here to kill me.”

“Well, I changed my mind.”

She looks at Logan again. “He hasn’t.”

“No. He hasn’t,” I say. “And he can do whatever he wants.” And now I look at Logan. “But he’s done a pretty shitty job at playing the game of life so far, so I wouldn’t worry too hard about it.”

We’re all silent for a few minutes. Long, agonizing, awkward minutes.

So I get up off my stool and stand next to her, choose a song and say, “Play that one.”

She looks up at me, then back down at the machine. Punches in a code that gives her free access, and plays the song.

I Wanna Make You Close Your Eyes comes on and I offer her my hand. “Would you like to dance?”

She frowns so deep for a second I think she might cry. But then she sucks in a deep breath of air and nods her head.

I fold her into my arms and she sinks. Her cheek resting right up against my shoulder as we begin to sway.

I look down at her as she looks up at me.

And then she closes her eyes.

We dance like that. Barely moving. Just a little shuffle of bare feet. Her warming me up in the cold room. The storm still raging outside.

And then Logan is next to us. Pulling us apart.

He says, “Come on. Let’s go to bed. This day is done.”

Chapter Seventeen – YVETTE

One day. A single day, out of all the days I’ve lived.

One day can change everything.

I should know that by now. It’s happened enough before. The day I met Damon, for example. The day I married him. The day I left.