Where was Nikki?
Carson peered over the crush in the corridor for the second time, having already checked the social hall. He'd only turned away for a minute to talk to Vic, and now he couldn't find her. He'd even sent someone into the restroom to look for her. She couldn't have left after she'd been so emphatic about staying.
Damn. Damn. Damn it all, he didn't like this one bit. Where was she and how could someone have plucked her from a group this large?
He didn't like the itchy premonition scratching along the back of his neck. They were in a public place, for God's sake. He pushed through the crowd, making his way toward the double doors.
Stuffiness and noise of the packed social hall gave way to the crisp night air and silence, no sounds other than the occasional whoosh of a passing car. Unease kinking tighter, he scanned the packed lot of empty vehicles all the way to his truck parked at the end with someone inside.
He exhaled a long stream of relief into the freezing night.
Through the back window, he could see Nikki's outline. A stab of disappointment followed.
She'd already given up?
As quickly as the thought slithered into his head, he nixed it, making his way across the dormant lawn toward his Ford. He'd always been the one to walk away, not her. She'd taken a lot of grief from him in the past and still she'd given him another chance. A chance he didn't deserve in any universe.
If she was in the car, then something must have happened to upset her or she wasn't feeling well. Either way, he needed to quit thinking about himself and get over there.
She was right. He'd given up on the two of them before giving them a decent chance. He'd thanked her for trusting him, but what about returning the emotion?
He'd been let down by his parents so many times, let down by adults who should have been there for a kid, somewhere along the way he had stopped putting faith in anyone when it came to relationships. Sure he was a delegation kind of guy at work, but there were tangible gauges of levels of success.
No score guides existed when it came to this whole love gig. He'd told himself he loved her, but hadn't done a thing right in committing. In order for this to work—and hell yes, he wanted Nikki, forever—then he needed to start giving one hundred percent.
He slid into the driver's side behind the wheel, but Nikki kept her face turned to look out. Damn. He had some major backpedaling to do.
"Nikki, listen, I'm sorry about earlier." He stroked up her arm to cup her neck. Was she asleep?>"So you belong to Al-Anon and A.A.?"
"Yes." Searching for words, he captured her hands in his, kissed her knuckles and kept them from distracting him into speaking without thinking, no doubt her intention. "Until I found A.A., nothing worked. It's still been tough. I truly believe that for alcoholics the booze affects them more or differently than other people. And through that extra effect it soothes something inside them, a pain or an emptiness or need. For a while you convince yourself the alcohol makes your life better. It's your friend because you live and cope at a higher level. Then the friend turns on you."
She linked her fingers with his so tightly he could imagine she might hold on forever.
"Those first few months without, there's this emptiness inside that begs to be filled. You also lose something in your way of life—the bar, the camaraderie of a beer and game of pool."
"I would imagine that's especially tough to give up in the flyer world."
"A.A. helps teach you how to fill that space, and of course there are over two million members."
'Two million?" Her eyes widened in surprise.
"And counting." He stroked the inside of her wrists with his thumbs. "I'm able to attend functions now that include alcohol without racing to phone my sponsor afterward— What are you thinking?"
She untangled her hand from his to tap his leather name tag. "How you said call signs come from a defining moment."
"I carry a heavy issue with me that's never going away." He rested his palm over hers tracing the word 'Scorch'. "This will always be there, and I know too well that it doesn't just affect the adults. While I appreciate that you're trying to be understanding, you need to comprehend how big a deal this is."
"I won't claim to know anything about the genetics involved in addictions running in families. Actually, I don't know much of anything about alcoholism. So maybe you're right. Maybe this is something I'm not equipped to handle."
His gut clenched. "I didn't say this is your—"
"Shhh. Listen. I'm saying I don't have enough information to make a decision, and it seems to me this affects both of us. So I should have a say in deciding something so huge."
He searched for a rebuttal...except what she said made sense, damn good sense. "What did you have in mind?"
"Let's go to an Al-Anon meeting together, let me see for myself what I'm in for. I'll go as a friend if the idea of thinking about forever totally freaks you out."
He fell even more in love with this amazing woman, wise beyond her years and deserving of the absolute best. "We've been n**ed together. I think we've gone past friendship."