Thomas & January (Sleepless 2)

“No!” I protested, an image of January in Dublin coming to the front of my mind. “No.” I cleared my throat. “Uh, two shots of Patron, please.”

The bartender nodded.

Six shots later and I was starting to lose sensation in my gums. This was a good thing. I needed to forget, needed the torn and gaping hole in my effing chest to feel numb. Jason was dancing with a girl on the other side of the bar and all I could think was that I needed to keep drinking.

“Is this seat taken?” a gorgeous blonde asked me.

“Go ’head,” I slurred.

“What are you drinking?” she asked.

“Patron,” I told her.

My forearms had permanent dents in them from resting so harshly against the wooden bar top. She leaned into me slightly and I pushed them in further.

“Is that your friend over there?”

“Yeah.”

“He’s dancing with my friend.”

“Cool.”

“Why aren’t you dancing?” she asked, leading.

“I’m not the dancing type.” That wasn’t true. For January, I was.

“Can I get a Patron for my friend here?” she asked the bartender.

She stood so I could get full view of her figure. She was beautiful, very, yet she was nothing.

“I can buy my own drinks,” I told her.

“You’ve obviously been through something.” She sidled even closer and I was too drunk to keep her off. “It’s written all over your face,” she whispered closely. Her sickly sweet perfume enveloped me. “Let me help you forget,” she suggested, running her hand up my forearm. The touch made me sick to my stomach.

There was a time in my life where a woman like this would have been warm in my bed within the hour of meeting her. There was a time I would do those sordid things and feel almost nothing at all for it. I looked at her closely in that second and she mistook it for interest, smiling at me kindly. All I could see and think when I looked on her was that this young woman was someone’s daughter, sister, possibly mother. I was disgusted with myself knowing all this time I’d been acting like the biggest fool at the expense of so many girls. I realized I’d caused untold damage. I didn’t deserve January.

Yet looking at that girl, knowing what she was willing to do with me, I knew I would never do those things again, and not because I cared one iota for that girl. No, it was because I could never betray January like that. I loved January more than I loved myself and that was the first time I’d ever really felt that way for someone. I knew it would probably be the only time.

I was going to stay away from January MacLochlainn...because I loved her more than anyone on God’s green earth and she deserved someone as amazing as herself.

“What’s your name?” I asked the blonde.

“Kristi,” she smiled.

“Kristi, would you have sex with me tonight?” I asked honestly.

Her smile faltered for a moment but picked right back up. “Yes, I would,” she said quietly.

“Why?”

“I-I don’t know.”

“I know why,” I told her, “because you don’t know your own worth. Some advice?” I stood up and gathered my hoodie, throwing it over my shoulders. “Discover why you’re important, then refuse to settle for anyone who doesn’t completely agree.”

I walked out of the busy bar, sucking in cool New York air and wishing to everything that I was going home to January because January was my home. I texted Jason, letting him know I bailed and I’d see him around, that I was heading to L.A. the next day.

I was running away, for real this time.