The Sexpert

So yeah. It sucks. And Zoey has already explained that we won’t get any money from this month’s killer take for about two months. That sucks too. Because I feel very much like I’m living outside my means right now.

“You want receipt?” Svetlana asks.

“Yes,” I say. “Business expense.” And then I smile, feeling a little bit proud that next year I might get to itemize my taxes because I’m a legit business owner.

Svetlana just rips the little piece of paper off the cash register printer and hands it to me. “Next!”

I take my receipt and tuck it away so I can give it to Zoey later. I’m pretty sure this date is a tax write-off because it really is business. I mean, I have to convince Andrew I’m not the Sexpert. That qualifies.

So here’s my plan for that.

One. Distract him with the dress, but not the cupcakes. Hide the cupcakes. And this dress is perfect because it’s all sexy in the back and goes all the way up to my neck in the front. I’m talking Baby Got Back kinda back.

Wait. I think that means ass. Well, I’m pretty sure my ass will look good too.

Two. Go someplace quiet and peaceful. Which is what I was thinking when I had that crazy art gallery monologue moment at the end of our rock climbing date. Well, that wasn’t a date. Not really. Even though it kinda felt like one. There’s flyers all over the TDH for this stupid art gallery thing. Like, it’s a Big Deal. So, good call, Eden. Art gallery is the perfect place to have a serious I-swear-to-God-I’m-not-the-Sexpert talk that will end all talk of me being the Sexpert.

Three. Kiss him.

I actually sigh when I think that. Andrew is a great kisser. God, his lips… So I’m gonna kiss him. I’m gonna give him my very best kissing ever. I even rewatched my Sexpert video on kissing so I’m all brushed up on how to do it right. That’s a gem that never got much attention, so even if he’s watching my videos, he probably didn’t see How to Nibble Her Kit-Kat. Get it? Nibble her Kit-Kat? You always eat the chocolate off first. Everyone knows that. At least I thought they did. Maybe not. Maybe that’s why that video was a dud?

Anyway, eating the chocolate off is the first thing you do. Just like kissing. So I’m ready for the kissing.

But… four. Four is new. Because four is all about going all the way. Like I’m talking How to Have Your Cake and Eat It Too video. We’ve had several sexy encounters but we’ve never actually done it.

Oh, we’re gonna do it tonight. For sure.

So, that’s my plan. Dress up sexy, but only in the back. Go to the art gallery thingy and have a nice, long quiet chat about how I am not the Sexpert while we look at paintings and eat fancy finger-foods off silver trays, and then go back to his place and do it.

Nothing will go wrong.

I’ve got this in the bag.

OK, SNAFU in the dress department.

I didn’t properly think this through because I realized too late that backless dresses require special bras. Like those sticky things you paste on your skin to hold your girls up in proper position.

Which I do not have. So I have no bra on.

I’m checking this out in the bathroom mirror, trying to decide if it makes me more or less sexy.

I decide more. Because my girls are perky with a capital P. And he’s only gonna be looking at the back of the dress anyway.

Plus, it’s the best dress I have. And I spent forty-one dollars getting it cleaned, not to mention putting up with Svetlana’s bad attitude. I’m not changing it.

Besides, the whole point is to take off my clothes, right? So braless means one less pesky article of underwear to deal with.

At eight o’clock, right on time, my doorbell chimes. I’m walking towards it, pretty proud of the fact that I have this whole night planned to perfection, when I realize he’s never seen my apartment.

I look around and take it all in from a new perspective.

It came furnished, so everything was here when I moved in. But of course, I put my little touches on it.

Touches that happen to all be in shades of pink and white, I realize.

Andrew’s apartment is all shades of muted blue and yellow, but mine came in like three shades of gray. Which is so blah and made it look like a prison. So I had to pop it up and pink and white go perfect with drab gray. I have fuzzy pink throw pillows—Zoey and I love those—and a pink and white comforter on the bed, and a pink rug on the bathroom and kitchenette floor. The bed is super whimsical too. Because I have white mosquito netting hanging over it. It’s like a princess bed.