The Sexpert

“What now?” she asks.

In my mind I think to say, I dunno. What would the Sexpert do? But I don’t. I don’t want to fuck this up. And in not asking the question, I think this is the moment I decide that this girl means something to me. Something special. Or, at the least, she could. She stands the chance of being. I wasn’t looking for her at all and she fell into my life like an avalanche. I want to see what that brings with it.

I’m not sure how I’m going to avoid getting crushed by the next avalanche that I’m certain is going to come, but I’ll figure that out when it happens.

“Now?” I respond. “Do you have a condom somewhere?”

“I… Yes. I mean. I think so. They’re the same ones I’ve had for a while, but I don’t think they have an expiration date. They’re in my nightstand. Why?”

Why? “I wanna make balloon animals.” She furrows her brow. “I wanna have sex with you! Is that something you’d be into? Because I’m usually pretty good at reading signals and this”—I make a circular gesture, encompassing our bodies—“feels like a pretty clear signal.”

She gets a small smile, nods, and says, “Yes, I’d like that very much, please, thank you.”

Kills.

I grab her up in the air. She wraps her high-heeled ankles around my waist and I carry her to her nightstand. My cock presses against the ornately patterned silk of her panties as we step over. She feels warm. Damp. And that’s when I realize for the first time that the panties aren’t sewn completely shut in the front. There’s a slit. A point of entry. A convenient opening in the wrapper covering her milky sweetness. Fuck me.

“Condom, condom, condom,” I say three or four times, a little loudly.

She giggles, reaches down, opens a drawer, and inside are about a hundred condoms. My eyes widen.

“The fuck are you planning?” I ask.

“I didn’t buy them all. Some were, like, party favors. Some my friend Zoey gave me. A few were on sale when I was buying orange juice, and I’m always looking for a deal… I dunno.”

I shake my head. Then, “Do you have any magnums?”

Her lips press together tightly, trying to stifle a grin. She nods. “Uh-huh. I think so. I bought some one time because I had it on my vision board.”

“You had ‘guy with a big dick’ on your vision board? You had a vision board?”

She nods again. “I guess that manifesting shit works, huh?” She fishes around until she finds a magnum, pulls it out, rips open the packaging with her teeth, and then I lower her to the floor so that she can slide it on me.

She drops to her knees and kisses the tip of my cock. It sends something like electric ice through my spine.

“I’m… I’m not sure it’s gonna fit,” she says.

“You mean the condom?”

“Yeah. Did you think I meant…?”

“I didn’t wanna presume.”

“No, I mean, I’m not sure about the other thing either, but we’ll make it work.”

I laugh a little and the muscles in my stomach tighten, causing my dick to jump again. And as she stretches the condom out to fit around me, she says…

“Oh, yeah. We’ll definitely make it work.”

“Do… you… want… some water?” she gasps out, flopping off me and landing on her back next to me in the bed.

“Are you OK?”

“I’m fine… I just… Water.”

“I’ll get it. Stay here.” I lean over and give her a kiss, which she kind of can’t return because she’s so out of breath. She makes an attempt, but then just gives me a thumbs up.

It takes about two seconds to get to the kitchen in the small apartment. I look around, surveying the space, and think…

No.

Anyway.

She has the same fridge with the same water dispenser I do. For whatever it’s worth, they do outfit all the places in this building pretty well. When I had them set me up here, I didn’t bother to consider whether or not I’d “like it.” Honestly, I didn’t have much of an intention of staying. Figured I’d get things up and running, maybe even cash out in the next year or so, and then go seek another adventure. But now… I dunno. Maybe I’ll stay a little longer than I planned.

“Here you go,” I say, handing the water to her as I get back into the bed.

“How are you… not… winded?” she asks, between gulps.

I shrug. “Climbing. Best exercise you can get. You should come with me in the real world. I think you’d be good at it.”

She shakes her head. “Heights,” she manages to get out.

She has the sheets pulled in between her legs, covering her nakedness just up the middle. I rub her exposed thigh. “Sorry,” I say. “It just takes me a long time when I’m wearing a condom.”