The Color of Magic (Discworld 1)

“I’d like you in the picture, Rincewind. That’s fine.” Twoflower took out the golden disc that Rincewind had noticed before, squinted at its unseen face for a moment, muttered “Thirty seconds should about do it,” and said brightly, “Smile please!”

“Smile,” rasped Rincewind. There was a whirr from the box.

“Right.”

High above the disc the second albatross soared; so high in fact that its tiny mad orange eyes could see the whole of the world and the great, glittering, girdling Circle Sea. There was a yellow message capsule strapped to one leg. Far below it, unseen in the clouds, the bird that had brought the earlier message to the Patrician of Ankh-Morpork flapped gently back to its home.

Rincewind looked at the tiny square of glass in astonishment. There he was, all right - a tiny figure, in perfect colour, standing in front of a group of Watchmen whose faces were each frozen in a terrified rictus. A buzz of wordless terror went up from the men around him as they craned over his shoulder to look.

Grinning, Twoflower produced a handful of the Smaller coins Rincewind now recognized as quarter-rhinu. He winked at the wizard.

“I had similar problems when I stopped over in the Brown Islands,” he said. “They thought the iconograph steals a bit of their souls. Laughable, isn’t it?”

“Yarg,” said Rincewind and then, because somehow that was hardly enough to keep up his side of the conversation, added, “I don’t think it looks very like me, though.”

“It’s easy to operate,” said Twoflower, ignoring him. “Look, all you have to do is press this button. The iconograph does the rest. Now, I’ll just stand over here next to Hrun, and you can take the picture.”

The coins quietened the men’s agitation in the way that gold can, and Rincewind was amazed to find, half a minute later, that he was holding a little glass portrait of Twoflower wielding a huge notched sword and smiling as though all his dreams had come true.

They lunched at a small eating-house near the Brass Bridge, with the luggage nestling under the table. The food and wine, both far superior to Rincewind’s normal fare, did much to relax him. Things weren’t going to be too bad, he decided. A bit of invention and some quick thinking, that was all that was needed.

Twoflower seemed to be thinking too. Looking reflectively into his wine cup he said, “Tavern fights are pretty common around here, I expect?”

“Oh, fairly.”

“No doubt fixtures and fittings get damaged?”

“Fixt -oh, I see. You mean like benches and whatnot. Yes, I suppose so.”

“That must be upsetting for the innkeepers.”

“I’ve never really thought about it. I suppose it must be one of the risks of the job.”

Twoflower regarded him thoughtfully.

“I might be able to help there.” he said. “Risks are my business. I say, this food is a bit greasy, isn’t it?”

“You did say you wanted to try some typical Morporkean food,” said Rincewind. “What was that about risks?”

“Oh, I know all about risks. They’re my business.”

“I thought that’s what you said. I didn’t believe it the first time either.”

“Oh, I don’t take risks. About the most exciting thing that happened to me was knocking some ink over. I assess risks. Day after day. Do you know what the odds are against a house catching fire in the Red Triangle district of des Pelargic? Five hundred and thirty-eight to one. I calculated that,” he added with a trace of pride.

“What-” Rincewind tried to suppress a burp-“what for? ‘Scuse me.” He helped himself to some more wine

“For-” Twoflower paused. “I can’t say it in Trob, I don’t think the beTrobi have a word for it. In our language we call it-” he said a collection of outlandish syllables.

“Inn-sewer-ants,” repeated Rincewind. “That’s a funny word. Wossit mean?”

“Well suppose you have a ship loaded with, say, gold bars. it might run into storms or be taken by pirates. You don’t want that to happen, so you take out an ensewer-ants-polly-sea. I work out the odds of the cargo being lost, based on weather and piracy records for the last twenty years, then I add on a bit, then you pay me some money based on those odds-“

“-and the bit-” Rincewind said, waggling a finger solemnly.

“Then, if the cargo is lost, I reimburse you.”

“Reeburs?”