Mort (Discworld 4)

FUN.

'That's right. Dada, dada, da – kick!' There was an audible pause.

WHO IS THIS FUN?

'No, fun isn't anybody, fun is what you have.'

WE ARE HAVING FUN?

'I thought I was,' said his lordship uncertainly. The voice by his ear was vaguely worrying him; it appeared to be arriving directly into his brain.

WHAT is THIS FUN?

'This is!'

TO KICK VIGOROUSLY IS FUN?

'Well, part of the fun. Kick!'

TO HEAR LOUD MUSIC IN HOT ROOMS IS FUN?

'Possibly.'

HOW IS THIS FUN MANIFEST?

'Well, it – look, either you're having fun or you're not, you don't have to ask me, you just know, all right? How did you get in here, anyway?' he added. 'Are you a friend of the Patrician?'

LET US SAY, HE PUTS BUSINESS MY WAY. I FELT I OUGHT TO LEARN SOMETHING OF HUMAN PLEASURES.

'Sounds like you've got a long way to go.'

I KNOW. PLEASE EXCUSE MY LAMENTABLE IGNORANCE. I WISH ONLY TO LEARN. ALL THESE PEOPLE, PLEASE – THEY ARE HAVING FUN?

'Yes!'

THEN THIS is FUN.

'I'm glad we've got that sorted out. Mind the chair,' snapped Lord Rodley, who was now feeling very unfunny and unpleasantly sober.

A voice behind him said quietly: THIS IS FUN. TO DRINK EXCESSIVELY IS FUN. WE ARE HAVING FUN. HE IS HAVING FUN. THIS IS SOME FUN. WHAT FUN.

Behind Death the Patrician's small pet swamp dragon held on grimly to the bony hips and thought: guards or no guards, next time we pass an open window I'm going to run like buggery.

Keli sat bolt upright in bed.

'Don't move another step,' she said. 'Guards!'

'We couldn't stop him,' said the first guard, poking his head shame-facedly around the doorpost.

'He just pushed in . . .' said the other guard, from the other side of the doorway.

'And the wizard said it was all right, and we were told everyone must listen to him because.

'All right, all right. People could get murdered around here,' said Keli testily, and put the crossbow back on the bedside table without, unfortunately, operating the safety catch.

There was a click, the thwack of sinew against metal, a zip of air, and a groan. The groan came from Cutwell. Mort spun round to him.

'Are you all right?' he said. 'Did it hit you?'