Mort (Discworld 4)

'All right, all right, I admit it! I was drunk at the time, believe me, didn't mean it, gosh, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry —'

'What are you bleating about, man?' said Albert, genuinely puzzled.

'— so sorry, if I tried to tell you how sorry I am we'd —'

'Stop this bloody nonsense!' Albert glanced down at the little ape, who gave him a warm friendly smile. 'What's your name, man?'

'Yes, sir, I'll stop, sir, right away, no more nonsense, sir . . . Rincewind, sir. Assistant librarian, if it's all right by you.'

Albert looked him up and down. The man had a desperate scuffed look, like something left out for the laundry. He decided that if this was what wizarding had come to, someone ought to do something about it.

'What sort of librarian would have you for assistant?' he demanded irritably.

'Oook.'

Something like awarm soft leather glove tried to hold his hand.

'A monkey! In my university!'

'Orang-outang, sir. He used to be a wizard but got caught in some magic, sir, now he won't let us turn him back, and he's the only one who knows where all the books are,' said Rincewind urgently. 'I look after his bananas,' he added, feeling some additional explanation was called for.

Albert glared at him. 'Shut up.'

'Shutting up right away, sir.'

'And tell me where Death is.'

'Death, sir?' said Rincewind, backing against the wall.

Tall, skeletal, blue eyes, stalks, TALKS LIKE THIS . . . Death. Seen him lately?'

Rincewind swallowed. 'Not lately, sir.'

'Well, I want him. This nonsense has got to stop. I'm going to stop it now, see? I want the eight most senior wizards assembled here, right, in half an hour with all the necessary equipment to perform the Rite of AshkEnte, is that understood? Not that the sight of you lot gives me any confidence. Bunch of pantywaisters the lot of you, and stop trying to hold my hand!'

'Oook.'

'And now I'm going to the pub,' snapped Albert. 'Do they sell any halfway decent cat's piss anywhere these days?'

There's the Drum, sir,' said Rincewind.

'The Broken Drum? In Filigree Street? Still there?'

'Well, they change the name sometimes and rebuild it completely but the site has been, er, on the site for years. I expect you're pretty dry, eh, sir?' Rincewind said, with an air of ghastly camaraderie.

'What would you know about it?' said Albert sharply.

'Absolutely nothing, sir,' said Rincewind promptly.

'I'm going to the Drum, then. Half an hour, mind. And if they're not waiting for me when I come back, then well, they'd just better be!'

He stormed out of the hall in a cloud of marble dust.

Rincewind watched him go. The librarian held his hand.

'You know the worst of it?' said Rincewind.

'Oook?'