Pyramids (Discworld 7)

'I am the king, damn it,' said Teppic. 'How could I kill myself?'

'We are not stupid,' said Dios. 'These men know the king does not skulk the palace at night, or consort with condemned criminals. All that remains for us to find out is how you disposed of the body.'

His eyes fixed on Teppic's face, and Teppic realised that the high priest was, indeed, truly mad. It was the rare kind of madness caused by being yourself for so long that habits of sanity have etched themselves into the brain. I wonder how old he really is? he thought.

'These assassins are cunning creatures,' said Dios. 'Have a care of him.'

There was a crash beside the priest. Ptraci had tried to throw a camel prod, and missed.

When everyone looked back Teppic had vanished. The guards beside him were busy collapsing slowly to the floor, groaning.

Dios smiled.

'Take the woman,' he snapped, and the captain darted forward and grabbed Ptraci, who hadn't made any attempt to run away. Dios bent down and picked up the prod.

'There are more guards outside,' he said. 'I'm sure you will realise that. It will be in your interests to step forward.'

'Why?' said Teppic, from the shadows. He fumbled in his boot for his blowpipe.

'You will then be thrown to the sacred crocodiles, by order of the king,' said Dios.

'Something to look forward to, eh?' said Teppic, feverishly screwing bits together.

'It would certainly be preferable to many alternatives,' said Dios.

In the darkness Teppic ran his fingers over the little coded knobs on the darts. Most of the really spectacular poisons would have evaporated or dissolved into harmlessness by now, but there were a number of lesser potions designed to give their clients nothing more than a good night's sleep. An assassin might have to work his way to an inhume past a number of alert bodyguards. It was considered impolite to inhume them as well.

'You could let us go,' said Teppic. 'I suspect that's what you want, isn't it? For me to go away and never come back? That suits me fine.'

Dios hesitated.

'You're supposed to say “And let the girl go”,' he said.

'Oh, yes. And that, too,' said Teppic.

'No. I would be failing in my duty to the king,' said Dios.

'For goodness sake, Dios, you know I am the king!'

'No. I have a very clear picture of the king. You are not the king,' said the priest.

Teppic peered over the edge of the camel stall. The camel peered over his shoulder.

And then the world went mad.

All right, madder.

All the pyramids were blazing now, filling the sky with their sooty light as the brothers Ptaclusp struggled to the main working platform.

IIa collapsed on the planking, wheezing like an elderly bellows. A few feet away the sloping side was hot to the touch, and there was no doubt in his mind now that the pyramid was creaking, like a sailing ship in a gale. He had never paid much attention to the actual mechanics as opposed to the cost of pyramid construction, but he was pretty certain that the noise was as wrong as II and II making V.

His brother reached out to touch the stone, but drew his hand back as small sparks flashed around his fingers.

'You can feel the warmth,' he said. 'It's astonishing!'

'Why?'

'Heating up a mass like this. I mean, the sheer tonnage...'