Pyramids (Discworld 7)

'If the Old Kingdom has really disappeared-' he said.

'It has,' said Teppic firmly. 'It's not something you can be mistaken about, really.'

'Then that means our border is concurrent with that of Tsort,' said Ibid ponderously.

'Pardon?' said Teppic.

'There's nothing between us,' explained the philosopher.

'Oh, dear. That means we shall be forced to make war.'

'Why?'

Ibid opened his mouth, stopped, and turned to Xeno.

'Why does it mean we'll be forced to make war?' he said.

'Historical imperative,' said Xeno.

'Ah, yes. I knew it was something like that. I am afraid it is inevitable. It's a shame, but there you are.'

There was another clatter as another party of horsemen rounded the corner, heading downhill this time. They wore the high plumed helmets of Ephebian soldiery, and were shouting enthusiastically.

Ibid settled himself more comfortably on the bench and folded his bands.

'That'll be the Tyrant's men,' he said, as the troop galloped through the city gates and out on to the desert. 'He's sending them to check, you may depend upon it.'

Teppic knew about the enmity between Ephebe and Tsort, of course. The Old Kingdom had profited mightily by it, by seeing that the merchants of both sides had somewhere discreet in which to trade with one another. He drummed his fingers on the table.

'You haven't fought each other for thousands of years,' he said. 'You were tiny countries in those days. It was just a scrap. Now you're huge. People could get hurt. Doesn't that worry you?'

'It's a matter of pride,' said Ibid, but his voice was tinged with uncertainty. 'I don't think there's much choice.'

'It was that bloody wooden cow or whatever,' said Xeno. 'They've never forgiven us for it.'

'If we don't attack them, they'll attack us first,' said Ibid.

''S'right,' said Xeno. 'So we'd better retaliate before they have a chance to strike.'

The two philosophers stared uncomfortably at one another.

'On the other hand,' said Thid, 'war makes it very difficult to think straight.'

'There is that,' Xeno agreed. 'Especially for dead people.' There was an embarrassed silence, broken only by Ptraci's voice singing to the tortoise and the occasional squeak of stricken seagulls.

'What day is it?' said Ibid.

'Tuesday,' said Teppic.

'I think,' said Thid, 'that it might be a good idea if you came to the symposium. We have one every Tuesday,' he added. 'All the greatest minds in Ephebe will be there. All this needs thinking about.'

He glanced at Ptraci.

'However,' he said, 'your young woman cannot attend, naturally. Females are absolutely forbidden. Their brains overheat.'

King Teppicymon XXVII opened his eyes. It's bloody dark in here, he thought.

And he realised that he could hear his own heart beating, but muffled, and some way off.