Pyramids (Discworld 7)

'“Blessed is Queen Far-re-ptah”,' read Dil dutifully, “Ruler of the Skies, Lord of the Djel, Master of-”

'Grandma Pooney,' said the king. 'She'll do.' He looked at their startled faces. 'That's what I used to call her when I was a little boy. I couldn't pronounce Far-re-ptah, you see. Well, go on then. Stop gawking. Break the door down.'

Gern hefted the hammer uncertainly.

'It's a pyramid, master,' he said, appealing to Dil. 'You're not supposed to open them.'

'What do you suggest, lad? We stick a tableknife in the slot and wiggle it about?' said the king.

'Do it, Gern,' said Dil. 'It will be all right.'

Gern shrugged, spat on his hands which were, in fact, quite damp enough with the sweat of terror, and swung.

'Again,' said the king.

The great slab boomed as the hammer hit it, but it was granite, and held. A few flakes of mortar floated down, and then the echoes came back, shunting back and forth along the dead avenues of the necropolis.

'Again.'

Gern's biceps moved like turtles in grease.

This time there was an answering boom, such as might be caused by a heavy lid crashing to the ground, far away.

They stood in silence, listening to a slow shuffling noise from inside the pyramid.

'Shall I hit it again, sire?' said Gern. They both waved him into silence.

The shuffling grew closer.

Then the stone moved. It stuck once or twice, but never the less it moved, slowly, pivoting on one side so that a crack of dark shadow appeared. Dil could just make out a darker shape in the blackness.

'Yes?' it said.

'It's me, Grandma,' said the king.

The shadow stood motionless.

'What, young Pootle?' it said, suspiciously.

The king avoided Dil's face.

'That's right, Grandma. We've come to let you out.'

'Who're these men?' said the shadow petulantly. 'I've got nothing, young man,' she said to Gern. 'I don't keep any money in the pyramid and you can put that weapon away, it doesn't frighten me.'

'They're servants, Grandma,' said the king.

'Have they got any identification?' muttered the old lady.

'I'm identifying them, Grandma. We've come to let you out.'

'I was hammering hours,' said the late queen, emerging into the sunlight. She looked exactly like the king, except that the mummy wrappings were greyer and dusty. 'I had to go and have a lie down, come the finish. No-one cares about you when you're dead. Where're we going?'

'To let the others out,' said the king.

'Damn good idea.' The old queen lurched into step behind him.

'So this is the netherworld, is it?' she said. 'Not much of an improvement.' She elbowed Gern sharply. 'You dead too, young man?'