Pyramids (Discworld 7)

'His Greatness the King Teppicymon XXVIII, Lord of the Heavens, Charioteer of the Wagon of the Sun, Steersman of the Barque of the Sun, Guardian of the Secret Knowledge, Lord of the Horizon, Keeper of the Way, the Flail of Mercy, the High-Born One, the Never-Dying King, bids you welcome and commands you to take wine with him,' said Dios, clapping his hands for a butler.

'Oh yes,' said Teppic. 'Do sit down, won't you?'

Teppic racked his brains for a suitable speech. He'd heard plenty in Ankh-Morpork. They were probably the same the whole world over.

'I'm sure we shall get on-'

'-long history of friendship-'

'Harken to the wisdom of His Greatness the King Teppicymon XXVIII, Lord of the Heavens, Charioteer of the Wagon of the Sun, Steersman of the Barque of the Sun, Guardian of the Secret Knowledge, Lord of the Horizon, Keeper of the Way, the Flail of Mercy, the High-Born One, the Never-Dying King!'

The echoes died away.

'Could I have a word with you a moment, Dios?'

The high priest leaned down.

'Is all this necessary?' hissed Teppic.

Dios's aquiline features took on the wooden expression of one who is wrestling with an unfamiliar concept.

'Of course, sire. It is traditional,' he said, at last.

'I thought I was supposed to talk to these people. You know, about boundaries and trade and so on. I've been doing a lot of thinking about it and I've got several ideas. I mean, it's going to be a little difficult if you're going to keep shouting.'

Dios gave him a polite smile.

'Oh no, sire. That has all been sorted out, sire. I met with them this morning.'

'What am I supposed to do, then?' Dios made a slight circling motion with his hand.

'Just as you wish, sire. It is normal to smile a little, and put them at their ease.'

'Is that all'

'Sire could ask them whether they enjoy being diplomats, sire,' said Dios. He met Teppic's glare with eyes as expressionless as mirrors.

'I am the king,' Teppic hissed.

'Certainly, sire. It would not do to sully the office with mere matters of leaden state, sire. Tomorrow, sire, you will be holding supreme court. A very fit office for a monarch, sire.'

'Ah. Yes.'

It was quite complicated. Teppic listened carefully to the case, which was alleged cattle theft compounded by Djeli's onion-layered land laws. This is what it should be all about, he thought. No-one else can work out who owns the bloody ox, this is the sort of thing kings have to do. Now, let's see, five years ago, he sold the ox to him, but as it turned out-

He looked from the face of one worried farmer to the other. They were both clutching their ragged straw hats close to their chests, and both of them wore the paralysed wooden expressions of simple men who, in pursuit of their parochial disagreement, now found themselves on a marble floor in a great room with their god enthroned before their very eyes. Teppic didn't doubt that either one would cheerfully give up all rights to the wretched creature in exchange for being ten miles away.

It's a fairly mature ox, he thought, time it was slaughtered, even if it's his it's been fattening on his neighbour's land all these years, half each would be about right, they're really going to remember this judgement .

He raised the Sickle of Justice.

'His Greatness the King Teppicymon XXVIII, Lord of the Heavens, Charioteer of the Wagon of the Sun, Steersman of the Barque of the Sun, Guardian of the Secret Knowledge, Lord of the Horizon, Keeper of the Way, the Flail of Mercy, the High-Born One, the Never-Dying King, will give judgement! Cower to the justice of His Greatness the King Tep-'

just said that,' said IIb.

« Prev Chapter Next »