Pyramids (Discworld 7)

'But in the morning I shall wake up and then I'll despair. What are you standing on, demon?'

'Do you know what a crampon is?'

'No.'

'Well, it's two of them.'

They stared at each other in silence.

'Okay,' said the face at last. 'I'll have to go around and come in through the door. Don't go away.' And with that it vanished upwards.

c cut Dios off in mid-intone.

'Having listened to both sides of the case,' he said firmly, the mask giving it a slight boom, 'and, being impressed by the argument and counter-argument, it seems to us only just that the beast in question should be slaughtered without delay and shared with all fairness between both plaintiff and defendant.'

He sat back. They'll call me Teppic the Wise, he thought. The common people go for this sort of thing.

The farmers gave him a long blank stare. Then, as if they were both mounted on turntables, they turned and looked to where Dios was sitting in his place on the steps in a group of lesser priests.

Dios stood up, smoothed his plain robe, and extended the staff.

'Harken to the interpreted wisdom of His Greatness the King Teppicymon XXVIII, Lord of the Heavens, Charioteer of the Wagon of the Sun, Steersman of the Barque of the Sun, Guardian of the Secret Knowledge, Lord of the Horizon, Keeper of the Way, the Flail of Mercy, the High-Born One, the Never-Dying King,' he said. 'It is our divine judgement that the beast in dispute is the property of Rhumusphut. It is our divine judgement that the beast be sacrificed upon the altar of the Concourse of Gods in thanks for the attention of Our Divine Self. It is our further judgement that both Rhumusphut and Ktoffle work a further three days in the fields of the King in payment for this judgement.'

Dios raised his head until he was looking along his fearsome nose right into Teppic's mask. He raised both hands.

'Mighty is the wisdom of His Greatness the King Teppicymon XXVIII, Lord of the Heavens, Charioteer of the Wagon of the Sun, Steersman of the Barque of the Sun, Guardian of the Secret Knowledge, Lord of the Horizon, Keeper of the Way, the Flail of Mercy, the High-Born One, the Never-Dying King!'

The farmers bobbed in terrified gratitude and backed out of the presence, framed between the guards.

'Dios,' said Teppic, levelly.

'Sire?'

'Just attend upon me a moment, please?'

'Sire?' repeated Dios, materialising by the throne.

'I could not help noticing, Dios, excuse me if I am wrong, a certain flourish in the translation there.'

The priest looked surprised.

'Indeed no, sire. I was most precise in relaying your decision, saving only to refine the detail in accordance with precedent and tradition.'

'How was that? The damn creature really belonged to both of them!'

'But Rhumusphut is known to be punctilious in his devotions, sire, seeking every opportunity to laud and magnify the gods, whereas Ktoffle has been known to harbour foolish thoughts.'

'What's that got to do with justice?'

'Everything, sire,' said Dios smoothly.

'But now neither of them has the ox!'

'Quite so, sire. But Ktoffle does not have it because he does not deserve it, while Rhumusphut, by his sacrifice, has ensured himself greater stature in the netherworld.'

'And you'll eat beef tonight, I suppose,' said Teppic. It was like a blow; Teppic might as well have picked up the throne and hit the priest with it. Dios took a step backward, aghast, his eyes two brief pools of pain. When he spoke, there was a raw edge to his voice.

'I do not eat meat, sire,' he said. 'It dilutes and tarnishes the soul. May I summon the next case, sire?'