Guards! Guards! (Discworld 8)

“From what?” said Nobby. “We've never had an enemy we couldn't bribe or corrupt.”

“Until now,” said Colon darkly.

“You catch on fast,” said the guard. “So you're going to broadcast it. On pain of pain.”

Carrot peered over Colon's shoulder.

“What's a virgin?” he said.

“An unmarried girl,” said Colon quickly.

“What, like my friend Reel?” said Carrot, horrified.

“Well, no,” said Colon.

“She's not married, you know. None of Mrs Palm's girls are married.”

“Well, yes,” said Colon.

“Well, then,” said Carrot, with an air of finality. “We're not having any of that kind of thing, I hope.”

“People won't stand for it,” said Colon. “You mark my words.”

The guards stepped back, out of range of Carrot's rising wrath.

“They can please themselves,” said the senior guard. “But if you don't proclaim it, you can try explaining things to His Majesty.”

They hurried off.

Nobby darted out into the street. “Dragon on your vest!” he shouted. “If your old mum knew about this she'd turn in her vat, you goin' around with a dragon on your vest!”

Colon wandered back to the table and spread out the scroll.

“Bad business,” he mumbled.

“It's already killed people,” said Carrot. “Contrary to sixteen separate Acts in Council.”

“Well, yes. But that was just like, you know, the hurly-burly of this and that,” said Colon. “Not that it wasn't bad, I mean, but people sort of participating, just handing over some slip of a girl and standing round watching as if it's all proper and legal, that's much worse.”

“I reckon it all depends on your point of view,” said Nobby thoughtfully.

“What d'you mean?”

“Well, from the point of view of someone being burned alive, it probably doesn't matter much,” said Nobby philosophically.

“People won't stand for it, I said,” said Colon, ignoring this. “You'll see. They'll march on the palace, and what will the dragon do then, eh?”

“Burn 'em all,” said Nobby promptly.

Colon looked puzzled. “It wouldn't do that, would it?” he said.

“Don't see what's to prevent it, do you?” said Nobby. He glanced out of the doorway. “He was a good lad, that boy. Used to run errands for my grandad. Who'd have thought he'd go around with a dragon on his chest ...”

“What are we going to do, Sergeant?” said Carrot.

“I don't want to be burned alive,” said Sergeant Colon. “My wife'd give me hell. So I suppose we've got to wossname, proclaim it. But don't worry, lad,” he said, patting Carrot on one muscular arm and repeating, as if he hadn't quite believed himself the first time, “it won't come to that. People'll never stand for it.”

...