Guards! Guards! (Discworld 8)

Vimes had never mastered ambition. It was something that happened to other people.

“Ah, Vimes. ”

“Sir, ” said Vimes woodenly. He didn't try to salute in case he fell over. He wished he'd had time to drink dinner.

Wonse rummaged in the papers of his desk.

“Strange things afoot, Vimes. Serious complaint about you, I'm afraid, ” he said. Wonse didn't wear glasses. If he had worn glasses, he'd have peered at Vimes over the top of them.

“Sir?”

“One of your Night Watch men. Seems he arrested the head of the Thieves' Guild. ”

Vimes swayed a little and tried hard to focus. He wasn't ready for this sort of thing.

“Sorry, sir, ” he said. “Seem to have lost you there. ”

“I said, Vimes, that one of your men arrested the head of the Thieves' Guild. ”

“One of my men?”

“Yes. ”

Vimes's scattered brain cells tried valiantly to regroup. “A member of the Watch?” he said.

Wonse grinned mirthlessly. “Tied him up and left him in front of the palace. There's a bit of a stink about it, I'm afraid. There was a note.... ah... here it is... 'This man is charged with, Conspiracy to commit Crime, under Section 14 (iii) of the General Felonies Act, 1678, by me, Carrot Ironfoundersson. ' ”

Vimes squinted at him.

“Fourteen eye-eye-eye?”

“Apparently, ” said Wonse.

“What does that mean?”

“I really haven't the faintest notion, ” said Wonse drily. “And what about the name... Carrot?”

“But we don't do things like that!” said Vimes. “You can't go around arresting the Thieves' Guild. I mean, we'd be at it all day!”

“Apparently this Carrot thinks otherwise. ”

The captain shook his head, and winced. “Carrot? Doesn't ring a bell. ” The tone of blurred conviction was enough even for Wonse, who was momentarily taken aback.

“He was quite-” The secretary hesitated. “Carrot, Carrot, ” he said. "I've heard the name before.

Seen it written down. “ His face went blank. ”The volunteer, that was it! Remember me showing you?''

Vimes stared at him. "Wasn't there a letter from, I don't know, some dwarf-?''

"All about serving the community and keeping the streets safe, that's right. Begging that his son would be found suitable for a humble position in the Watch. '' The secretary was rummaging among his files.

“What'd he done?” said Vimes.

“Nothing. That was it. Not a blessed thing. ”

Vimes's brow creased as his thoughts shaped themselves around a new concept.

“A volunteer?” he said.