Eric (Discworld 9)

At last a frantic jaguar crashed through the undergrowth and loped down the causeway. The Luggage was a few feet behind it.

It was covered with creepers, leaves and the feathers of various rare jungle fowls, some of which were now even rarer. The jaguar could have avoided it by zigging or zagging to either side, but sheer idiot terror prevented it. It made the mistake of turning its head to see what was behind.

This was the last mistake it ever made.

“You know that box of yours?” said the parrot.

“What about it?” said Rincewind.

“It's heading this way.”

The priests peered down at the running figure far below. The Luggage had a straightforward way of dealing with things between it and its intended destination: it ignored them.

It was at this moment, against all his instincts, in great trepidation and, most unfortunately of all, in deep ignorance of what was happening, that Quezovercoatl himself chose to materialise on top of the pyramid.

Several of the priests noticed him. The knives fell from their fingers.

“Er,” squeaked the demon.

Other priests turned around.

“Right. Now, I want you all to pay attention,” squeaked Quezovercoatl, cupping his tiny hands around his main mouth in an effort to be heard.

This was very embarrassing. He'd enjoyed being the Tezumen god, he'd been really impressed by their single-minded devotion to duty, he'd been very gratified by the incredible lifelike statue in the pyramid, and it really hurt to have to reveal that, in one important particular, it was incorrect.

He was six inches high.

“Now then,” he began, “this is very important -”

Unfortunately, no-one ever found out why. At that moment the Luggage breasted the top of the pyramid, its legs whirring like propellers, and landed squarely on the slabs.

There was a brief, flat squeak.

It was a funny old world, said da Quirm. You had to laugh, really. If you didn't, you'd go mad, wouldn't you? One minute strapped to a slab and about to undergo exquisite torture, the next being given breakfast, a change of clothes, a hot tub and a free lift out of the kingdom. It made you believe there was a god. Of course the Tezumen knew there was a god, and that he was currently a small and distressing greasy patch on top of the pyramid. Which left them with a bit of a problem.

The Luggage squatted in the city's main plaza. The entire priesthood was sitting around it and watching it carefully, in case it did anything amusing or religious.

“Are you going to leave it behind?” said Eric.

“It's not as simple as that,” said Rincewind. “It generally catches up. Let's just go away quickly.”

“But we'll take the tribute, won't we?”

“I think that could be an amazingly bad idea,” said Rincewind. “Let's just quietly go, while they're in a good temper. The novelty will wear off soon, I expect.” “And I've got to get on with my search for the Fountain of Youth,” said da Quirm. “Oh yes,” said Rincewind. “I've devoted my whole life to it, you know,” said the old man proudly. Rincewind looked him up and down. “Really?” he said. “Oh, yes. Exclusively. Ever since I was a boy.”

Rincewind's expression was one of acute puzzlement. “In that case,” he began, in the manner of one talking to a child, “wouldn't it have been better... you know, more sensible... if you'd just got on with...”

“What?” said da Quirm. “Oh, never mind,” said Rincewind. “I'll tell you what though,” he added, "I think, in order to prevent you getting, you know, bored, we should present you with this

wonderful talking parrot.“ He made a swift grab, while keeping his thumbs firmly out of harm's way. ”It's a jungle fowl,“ he said. ”Cruel to subject it to city life, isn't it?“ ”I was born in a cage, you raving wossname!" screamed the parrot. Rincewind faced it,

nose to beak.

“It's that or fricassee time,” he said. The parrot opened its beak to bite his nose, saw his expression, and thought better of it. “Polly want a biscuit,” it managed, adding, sotto voce, “wossnamewossnamewossname.” “A dear little bird of my very own,” said da Quirm. “I shall look after it.” “wossnamewossname.”

They reached the jungle. A few minutes later the Luggage trotted after them.

It was noon in the kingdom of Tezuma.