Moving Pictures (Discworld 10)

Evil-Minded Son of a Bitch flicked a carpet-thick ear.[11]

'How do you ride it?' he said.

'When you want to go forward you swear at it and hit it with a stick, and when you want to stop you swear at it and really hit it with a stick.'

'What happens if you want it to turn?'

'Ah, well, you're on to the Advanced Manual there. Best thing to do is get off and do it round by hand.'

'When you're ready!' Dibbler bellowed through his megaphone. 'Now, you ride up to the tent, leap off the camel, fight the huge eunuchs, burst into the tent, drag the girl out, get back on the camel and away. Got it? Think you ran do that?'

'What huge eunuchs?' said Victor, as the camel unfolded itself upwards.

One of the huge eunuchs shyly raised a hand.

'It's me. Morry,' it said.

'Oh. Hi, Morry.'

'Hi, Vic.,

'And me, Rock,' said a second huge eunuch.

'Hi, Rock.'

'Hi, Vic.'

'Places, everyone,' said Dibbler. 'We'll - what is it, Rock?'

'Er, I was just wondering, Mr Dibbler . . . what is my motivation for this scene?'

'Motivation?'

'Yes. Er. I got to know, see,' said Rock.

'How about: I'll fire you if you don't do it properly?'

Rock grinned. 'Right you are, Mr Dibbler,' he said.

'OK,' said Dibbler. 'Everyone ready . . . turn 'em!'

Evil-minded Son of a Bitch turned awkwardly, legs flailing at odd camel angles, and then lumbered into a complicated trot. The handle turned . . .

The air glittered.

And Victor awoke. It was like rising slowly out of a pink cloud, or a magnificent dream which, try as you might, drains out of your mind as the daylight shuffles in, leaving a terrible sense of loss; nothing, you know instinctively, nothing you're going to experience for the rest of the day is going to be one half as good as that dream.

He blinked. The images faded away. He was aware of

an ache in his muscles, as if he'd recently been really exerting himself.

'What happened?' he mumbled.

He looked down.

'Wow,' he said. An expanse of barely-clad buttock occupied a view recently occupied by the camel's neck. It was an improvement.

'Why', said Ginger icily, 'am I lying on a camel?'