Men at Arms (Discworld 15)

By the sound of it, this one would need the services of a plasterer.

Lord Vetinari permitted himself a smile, although there was no humour in it.

The city operated. It was a self-regulating college of Guilds linked by the inexorable laws of mutual self-interest, and it worked. On average. By and large. Overall. Normally.

The last thing you needed was some Watchman blundering around upsetting things, like a loose . . . a loose . . . a loose siege catapult.

Normally.

Vimes seemed in a suitable emotional state. With any luck, the orders would have the desired effect . . .

There's a bar like it in every big city. It's where the coppers drink.

The Guard seldom drank in Ankh-Morpork's more cheerful taverns when they were off duty. It was too easy to see something that would put them back on duty again.[9] So they generally went to The Bucket, in Gleam Street. It was small and low-ceilinged, and the presence of city guards tended to discourage other drinkers. But Mr Cheese, the owner, wasn't too worried about this. No-one drinks like a copper who has seen too much to stay sober.

Carrot counted out his change on the counter.

'That's three beers, one milk, one molten sulphur on coke with phosphoric acid—'

'With umbrella in it,' said Detritus.

'—and A Slow Comfortable Double-Entendre with lemonade.'

'With a fruit salad in it,' said Nobby.

'Woof?'

'And some beer in a bowl,' said Angua.

'That little dog seems to have taken quite a shine to you,' said Carrot.

'Yes,' said Angua. 'I can't think why.'

The drinks were put in front of them. They stared at the drinks. They drank the drinks.

Mr Cheese, who knew coppers, wordlessly refilled the glasses and Detritus' insulated mug.

They stared at the drinks. They drank the drinks.

'You know,' said Colon, after a while, 'what gets me, what really gets me, is they just dumped him in the water. I mean, not even weights. Just dumped him. Like it didn't matter if he was found. You know what I mean?'

'What gets me,' said Cuddy, 'is that he was a dwarf.'

'What gets me is that he was murdered,' said Carrot.

Mr Cheese passed along the line again. They stared at the drinks. They drank the drinks.

Because the fact was that, despite all evidence to the contrary, murder was not a commonplace occurrence in Ankh-Morpork. There were, it was true, assassinations. And as aforesaid there were many ways one could inadvertently commit suicide. And there were occasional domestic fracas on a Saturday night as people sought a cheaper alternative to divorce. There were all these things, but at least they had a reason, however unreasonable.

'Big man in the dwarfs, was Mr Hammerhock,' said Carrot. 'A good citizen, too. Wasn't always stirring up old trouble like Mr Stronginthearm.'

'He's got a workshop in Rime Street,' said Nobby.

'Had,' said Sergeant Colon.

They stared at the drinks. They drank the drinks.

'What I want to know is,' said Angua, 'what put that hole in him?'