Maskerade (Discworld 18)

'I'm going to need a bigger tin.'

'You're going to need a bigger chimney.'

'I could certainly do with a bigger knicker leg.' She nudged Granny. 'You're going to have to be polite to me now I'm rich,' she said. 'Yes, indeed,' said Granny, with a faraway look in her eyes. 'Don't think I'm not considering that.' She stopped. Nanny walked into her, with a tinkle of lingerie. The frontage of the Opera House loomed over them. 'We've got to get back in there,' Granny said. 'And into Box Eight.'

'Crowbar,' said Nanny, firmly. 'A No. 3 claw end should do it.'

'We're not your Nev,' said Granny. 'Anyway, breaking in wouldn't be the same thing. We've got to have a right to be there.'

'Cleaners,' said Nanny. 'We could be cleaners, and. . . no, 's not right me being a cleaner now, in my position.'

'No, we can't have that, with you in your position.' Granny glanced down at Nanny as a coach pulled up outside the Opera House. 'O' course,' she said, artfulness dripping off her voice like toffee, 'we could always buy Box Eight.'

'Wouldn't work,' said Nanny. People were hurrying down the steps with the cuff-adjusting, sticky looks of welcoming committees everywhere. 'They're scared of selling it.'

'Why not?' said Granny. 'There's people dying and the opera goes on. That means someone's prepared to sell his own grandmother if he'd make enough money.'

'It'd cost a fortune, anyway,' said Nanny. She looked at Granny's triumphant expression and groaned. 'Oh, Esme! I was going to save that money for me old age!' She thought for a moment. 'Anyway, it still wouldn't work. I mean, look at us, we don't look like the right kind of people. . .' Enrico Basilica got out of the coach. 'But we know the right kind of people,' said Granny. 'Oh, Esme!' The shop bell tinkled in a refined tone,, as if it were embarrassed to do something as vulgar as ring. It would have much preferred to give a polite cough. This was Ankh-Morpork's most prestigious dress shop, and one way of telling was the apparent absence of anything so crass as merchandise. The occasional carefully placed piece of expensive material merely hinted at the possibilities available. This was not a shop where things were bought. This was an emporium where you had a cup of coffee and a chat. Possibly, as a result of that muted conversation, four or five yards of exquisite fabric would change ownership in some ethereal way, and yet nothing so crass as trade would have taken place. 'Shop!' yelled Nanny. A lady appeared from behind a curtain and observed the visitors, quite possibly with her nose.

'Have you come to the right entrance?' she said. Madame Dawning had been brought up to be polite to servants and trades people, even when they were as scruffy as these two old crows. 'My friend here wants a new dress,' said the dumpier of the two. 'One of the nobby ones with a train and a padded bum.'

'In black,' said the thin one. 'And we wants all the trimmings,' said the dumpy one. 'Little handbag onna string, pair of glasses onna stick, the whole thing.'

'I think perhaps that might be a leetle more than you're thinking of spending,' said Madame Dawning. 'How much is a leetle?' said the dumpy one. 'I mean that this is rather a select dress shop.'

'That's why we're here. We don't want rubbish. My name's Nanny Ogg and this here is. . . Lady Esmerelda Weatherwax.' Madame Dawning regarded Lady Esmerelda quizzically. There was no doubt that the woman had a certain bearing. And she stared like a duchess. 'From Lancre,' said Nanny Ogg. 'And she could have a conservatory if she liked, but she doesn't want one.'

'Er. . .'Madame Dawning decided to play along for a while. 'What style were you considering?'

'Something nobby,' said Nanny Ogg. 'I perhaps would like a leetle more guidance than that-'

'Perhaps you could show us some things,' said Lady Esmerelda, sitting down. 'It's for the opera.'

'Oh, you patronize the opera?'

'Lady Esmerelda patronizes everything,' said Nanny Ogg stoutly. Madame Dawning had a manner peculiar to her class and upbringing. She'd been raised to see the world in a certain way. When it didn't act in that certain way she wobbled a bit but, like a gyroscope, eventually recovered and went on spinning just as if it had. If civilization were to collapse totally and the survivors were reduced to eating cockroaches, Madame Dawning would still use a napkin and look down on people who ate their cockroaches the wrong way round. 'I will, er, show you, some examples,' she said. 'Excuse me one moment.' She scuttled into the long workrooms behind the shop, where there was considerably less gilt, and leaned against the wall and summoned her chief seamstress. 'Mildred, there are two very strange-' She stopped. They'd followed her! They were wandering down the aisle between the rows of dressmakers, nodding at people and inspecting some of the dresses on the dummies. She hurried back. 'I'm sure you'd prefer-'

'How much is this one?' said Lady Esmerelda, fingering a creation intended for the Dowager Duchess of Quirm. 'I am afraid that one is not for sale-'

'How much would it be if it was for sale?'

'Three hundred dollars, I believe,' said Madame Dawning. 'Five hundred seems about right,' said Lady Esmerelda. 'Does it?' said Nanny Ogg. 'Oh, it does, does it?' The dress was black. At least, in theory it was black. It was black in the same. way that a starling's wing is black. It was black silk, with jet beads and sequins. It was black on holiday. 'It looks about my size. We'll take it. Pay the woman, Gytha.' Madame's gyroscope precessed rapidly. 'Take it? Now? Five hundred dollars? Pay? Pay now? Cash?'

'See to it, Gytha.'

'Oh, all right.'

Nanny Ogg turned away modestly and raised her skirt. There was a series of rustlings and elasticated twangings, and then she turned around, holding a bag. She counted out fifty rather warm ten-dollar pieces into Madame Dawning's unprotesting hand. 'And now we'll go back into the shop and have a poke around for the other stuff,' said Lady Esmerelda. 'I fancy ostrich feathers myself. And one of those big cloaks the ladies wear. And one of those fans edged with lace.'

rrowed it. You can have it back if you like-'

'Well, what about them?'

'They're wrong.'

'What do you mean, they're wrong? They're predictions!'

'I don't see there being a rain of curry in Klatch next May. You don't get curry that early.'