Feet of Clay (Discworld 19)

'Of course you may,' said Vetinari, watching Vimes walk through the palace gates.

'The thought occurs, sir, that if Commander Vimes did not exist you would have had to invent him.'

'You know, Drumknott, I rather think I did.'

'Atheism Is Also A Religious Position,' Dorfl rumbled.

'No it's not!' said Constable Visit. 'Atheism is a denial of a god.'

'Therefore It Is A Religious Position,' said Dorfl. 'Indeed, A True Atheist Thinks Of The Gods Constantly, Albeit In Terms of Denial. Therefore, Atheism Is A Form Of Belief. If The Atheist Truly Did Not Believe, He Or She Would Not Bother To Deny.'

'Did you read those pamphlets I gave you?' said Visit suspiciously.

'Yes. Many Of Them Did Not Make Sense. But I Should Like To Read Some More.'

'Really?' said Visit. His eyes gleamed. 'You really want more pamphlets?'

'Yes. There Is Much In Them That I Would Like To Discuss. If You Know Some Priests, I Would Enjoy Disputation.'

'All right, all right,' said Sergeant Colon. 'So are you going to take the sodding oath or not, Dorfl?'

Dorfl held up a hand the size of a shovel. 'I, Dorfl, Pending The Discovery Of A Deity Whose Existence Withstands Rational Debate, Swear By The Temporary Precepts of A Self-Derived Moral System - '

'You really want more pamphlets?' said Constable Visit.

Sergeant Colon rolled his eyes.

'Yes,' said Dorfl.

'Oh, my god!' said Constable Visit, and burst into tears. 'No one's ever asked for more pamphlets before!'

Colon turned when he realized Vimes was watching. 'It's no good, sir,' he said. 'I've been trying to swear him in for half an hour, sir, and we keep ending up arguing about oaths and things.'

'You willing to be a Watchman, Dorfl?' said Vimes.

'Yes.'

'Right. That's as good as a swear to me. Give him his badge, Fred. And this is for you, Dorfl. It's a chit to say you're officially alive, just in case you run into any trouble. You know... with people.'

Thank You,' said Dorfl solemnly. 'If Ever I Feel I Am Not Alive, I Will Take This Out And Read It.'

'What are your duties?' said Vimes.

'To Serve The Public Trust, Protect The Innocent, And Seriously Prod Buttock, Sir,' said Dorfl.

'He learns fast, doesn't he?' said Colon. 'I didn't even tell him the last one.'

'People won't like it,' said Nobby. S not going to be popular, a golem as a watchman.'

'What Better Work For One Who Loves Freedom Than The Job of Watchman. Law Is The Servant of Freedom. Freedom Without Limits Is Just A Word,' said Dorfl ponderously.

'Y'know,' said Colon, 'if it doesn't work out, you could always get ajob making fortune cookies.'

'Funny thing, that,' said Nobby. 'You never get bad fortunes in cookies, ever noticed that? They never say stuff like: Oh dear, things're going to be really bad. I mean, they're never misfortune cookies.'

Vimes lit a cigar and shook the match to put it out. 'That, Corporal, is because of one of the fundamental driving forces of the universe.'

'What? Like, people who read fortune cookies are the lucky ones?' said Nobby.