Hogfather (Discworld 20)

The Bursar glared.'Are you makingfun of me?' he said. 'Amazin'!' said Ridcully. 'It's got him stumped! 's better than dried frog pills! How did you work it out?'

'Er said Ponder. 'It sort of just happened 'Amazin',' said Ridcully. He knocked the ashes out of his pipe on Hex's 'Anthill Inside' sticker, causing Ponder to wince. 'This thing's a kind of big artificial brain, then?'

'You could think of it like that,' said Ponder, carefully. 'Of course, Hex doesn't actually think. Not as such. It just appears to be thinking.'

'Ah. Like the Dean,' said Ridcully. 'Any chance of fitting a brain like this into the Dean's head?'

'It does weigh ten tons, Archchancellor.'

'Ah. Really? Oh. Quite a large crowbar would be in order, then.' He paused, and then reached into his pocket. 'I knew I'd come here for something,' he added. 'This here chappie is the Verruca Gnome-'

'Hello,' said the Verruca Gnome shyly. -who seems to have popped into existence to be with us here tonight. And, you know, I thought: this is a bit odd. Of course, there's always something a bit unreal about Hogswatchnight,' said Ridcully. 'Last night of the year and so on. The Hogfather whizzin' around and so forth. Time of the darkest shadows and so on. All the old year's occult rubbish pilin' up. Anythin' could happen. I just thought you fellows might check up on this. Probably nothing to worry about.'

'A Verruca Gnome?' said Ponder. The gnome clutched his sack protectively. 'Makes about as much sense as a lot of things, I suppose,' said Ridcully. 'After all, there's a Tooth Fairy, ain' there? You might as well wonder why we have a God of Wine and not a God of Hangovers---' He stopped. 'Anyone else hear that noise just then?' he said. 'Sorry, Archchancellor?'

'Sort of glingleglingleglingle? Like little tinkly bells?'

'Didn't hear anything like that, sir.'

'Oh.' Ridcully shrugged. 'Anyway ... what was I saying ... yes ... no one's ever heard of a Verruca Gnome until tonight.'

'That's right,' said the gnome. 'Even I've never heard of me until tonight, and I'm me.'

'We'll see what we can find out, Archchancellor,' said Ponder diplomatically. 'Good man.' Ridcully put the gnome back in his pocket and looked up at Hex. 'Amazin',' he said again. 'He just looks as though he's thinking, right?'

'Er ... yes.'

'But he's not actually thinking?'

'Er ... no.'

'So ... he just gives the impression of thinking but really it's just a show?'

'Er ... yes.'

'Just like everyone else, then, really,' said Ridcully. something,' he added. 'This here chappie is the Verruca Gnome-'

'Hello,' said the Verruca Gnome shyly. ' -who seems to have popped into existence to be with us here tonight. And, you know, I thought: this is a bit odd. Of course, there's always something a bit unreal about Hogswatchnight,' said Ridcully. 'Last night of the year and so on. The Hogfather whizzin' around and so forth. Time of the darkest shadows and so on. All the old year's occult rubbish pilin' up. Anythin' could happen. I just thought you fellows might check up on this. Probably nothing to worry about.'

'A Verruca Gnome?' said Ponder. The gnome clutched his sack protectively. 'Makes about as much sense as a lot of things, I suppose,' said Ridcully. 'After all, there's a Tooth Fairy, ain' there? You might as well wonder why we have a God of Wine and not a God of Hangovers---' He stopped. 'Anyone else hear that noise just then?' he said. 'Sorry, Archchancellor?'

'Sort of glingleglingleglingle? Like little tinkly bells?'

'Didn't hear anything like that, sir.'

'Oh.' Ridcully shrugged. 'Anyway ... what was I saying ... yes ... no one's ever heard of a Verruca Gnome until tonight.'

'That's right,' said the gnome. 'Even I've never heard of me until tonight, and I'm me.'

'We'll see what we can find out, Archchancellor,' said Ponder diplomatically. 'Good man.' Ridcully put the gnome back in his pocket and looked up at Hex. 'Amazin',' he said again. 'He just looks as though he's thinking, right?'

'Er ... yes.'

'But he's not actually thinking?'

'Er ... no.'

'So ... he just gives the impression of thinking but really it's just a show?'