Jingo (Discworld 21)

the swell,' said Leonard. 'I don't know... perhaps another week... and then I think it takes a very long time for a sufficient bubble to build up again...'

'What're they saying, sarge?' said Nobby. 'This place floats?'

'A most unusual natural phenomenon,' Leonard went on. 'I'd have thought it was just a legend had I not seen it for myself...'

'Of course it's not floating,' said Sergeant Colon. 'Honestly, Nobby, how're you ever going to find out anything when you ask daft questions like that? Land's heavier than water, right? That's why you find it at the bottom of the sea.'

'Yes, but he said pumice, and my gran had a pumice stone that worked a treat for getting tough skin off'f your feet in the tub and that'd float–'

'That sort of thing happens in bath tubs maybe,' said Colon. 'Not in real life. This is just a phenomena. It's not real. Next thing you'll be saying there's rocks up in the sky.'

'Yeah, but–'

'I am a sergeant, Nobby.'

'Yes. sarge.'

'It puts me in mind,' said Leonard, 'of those nautical stories about giant turtles that sleep on the surface, thus causing sailors to think they are an island. Of course, you don't get giant turtles that small.'

'Hey, Mr Quirm, this is an amazing boat,' said Nobby. 'Thank you.'

'I bet you could even smash up ships with it if you wanted.' There was an embarrassed silence. 'Altogether an interesting experience,' said Lord Vetinari, making some notes. 'And now, gentlemen downward and onward, please...' The watchmen drew their weapons. 'They're D'regs, sir,' said Carrot. 'But – this is all wrong...'

'What do you mean?'

'We're not dead yet.' They're watching us like cats watch mice, thought Vimes. We can't run away and we can't win a fight, and they want to see what we'll do next. 'What does General Tacticus have to say about sir?' said Carrot. There's a hundred of them, thought Vimes. And six of us. Except that Detritus is drifting off and there's no knowing what particular commandment Visit is obeying right now and Reg's arms tend to drop off when he gets excited 'I don't know,' he said. 'Probably something on the lines of Don't Allow This to Happen.'

'Why don't you check, sir?' said Carrot, not taking his eyes off the watching D'regs. 'What?'

'I said, why don't you check, sir?'

'Right now?'

'It might be worth a try, sir.'

'That's crazy, captain.'

'Yes, sir. The D'regs have some very strange notions about crazy people, sir.' Vimes pulled out the battered book. The D'reg nearest to him, with a grin almost as wide and as curved as his sword, had a certain additional swagger that suggested chieftainship. A huge ancient crossbow was slung on his back. 'I say!' said Vimes. 'Could we just delay things a little?' He strode towards the man, who looked very surprised, and waved the book in the air. 'This is a book by General Tacticus, don't know if you've ever heard of him, quite a big name in these parts once, probably slaughtered your great–great–great– great–grandfather in fact, and I just want to take a moment to see what he has to say about this situation. You don't mind, do you?' The man gave Vimes a puzzled look. 'This might take a moment, there's no index, but I think I saw something–' The chieftain took a step backwards and looked at the men next to him, who shrugged. 'I wonder if you could help me with this word here?' Vimes went on, reaching the man's side and holding the book under his nose. He got another puzzled grin. What Vimes did next was known in Ankh–Morpork's alleyways as the Friendly Handshake, and consisted largely of driving his elbow into the man's stomach, then bringing his knee up to meet the man's chin on its way down, gritting his own teeth because of the pain in both knee and ankle, and then drawing his sword and holding it to the D'reg's throat before he could scramble up. 'Now, captain,' said Vimes, 'I'd like you to say in a loud dear voice that unless they back off a really long way, this gentleman here is going to be in some very serious legal trouble.'

'Mr Vimes, I don't think–'

'Do it!' The D'reg looked into his eyes while Carrot hawked his way through the demand. The man was still grinning Vimes couldn't risk shifting his gaze, but he sensed some puzzlement and confusion among the tribesmen. Then, as one man, they charged. A Klatchian fishing boat, whose captain knew which way the wind was blowing, made its way back to the harbour of Al–Khali It seemed to the captain that, despite the favourable wind, he wasn't making quite the speed he should. He put it down to barnacles.

Vimes awoke with a noseful of camel. There are far worse awakenings, but not as many as you might think By turning his head, which took some effort, he ascertained that the camel was sitting down. By the sound of things, it was digesting something explosive. Now, how had he got here... Oh, gods... But it should have worked... It was classic. You threatened to cut off the head and the body just folded up. That was how everyone reacted, wasn't it? That was practically how civilization worked... Put it down to cultural differences, then. On the other hand, he wasn't dead. According to Carrot, knowing the D'regs for five minutes and still being alive at the end of it meant that they really, really liked you. On the other other hand, he'd just given their head man a Handshake, which influenced people without making friends. Well, no sense lying over this saddle bound hand and foot and dying of sunstroke all day. He ought to start being a leader of men again, and would do so just as soon as he could get this camel out of his mouth. 'Bingeley–bingeley beep?'

'Yes?' said Vimes, struggling with his bonds. 'Would you like to know about the appointments you missed?'

'No! I'm hying to get these damn ropes untied!'

'Do you want me to put that on your To Do list?'

'Oh, you've woken up, sir.' It sounded like Carrot's voice and it was the sort of thing he'd say. Vimes tried to turn his head. What he saw was mainly a white sheet, but it then became Carrot's face, upside down. 'They asked if they should untie you but I said you hadn't been getting enough rest lately,' Carrot went on. 'Captain, my arms and legs have gone to sleep . . Vimes began. 'Oh, well done, sir! That's a start, at least.'

'Carrot?'

'Yes, sir?'

'I want you to listen very carefully to the order I am about to give you.'