Jingo (Discworld 21)

'No!'

'Ah?' Ahmed smiled faintly. 'Then just give it a prod to get started. And when you want to stop, hit it very hard with the stick and shout “Huthuthut!” 'You hit it with a stick to make it stop?'

'Is there any other way?' said 71–hour Ahmed. His camel looked at Vimes, and then spat in his eye. Prince Cadram and his generals surveyed the distant enemy, from horseback. The various Klatchian armies were drawn up in front of Gebra. Compared to them, the Ankh–Morpork regiments looked like a group of tourists who had missed their coach. 'Is that all?' he said. 'Yes, sire,' said General Ashal. 'But, you see, they believe that fortune favours the brave.'

'That is a reason to field such a contemptible little army?'

'Ah, sire, but they believe that we will turn and run as soon as we taste some cold steel.' The Prince looked back at the distant banners. 'Why?'

'I couldn't say, sire. It appears to be an item of faith.'

'Strange.' The Prince nodded to one of his bodyguards. 'Fetch me some cold steel.' After some hurried discussion a sword was handed up very gingerly, handle first. The prince peered at it, and then licked it with theatrical care. The watching soldiers laughed. 'No,' he said at last. 'No, I have to say that I don't feel the least apprehensive. Is this as cold as steel gets?'

'Lord Rust was probably being metaphorical, sire.'

'Ah. He is the sort who would be. Well, let us go forward and meet him. We must be civilized, after all.' He urged his horse forward. The generals fell in behind him.

The prince leaned down towards General Ashal again. 'And why are we going out to meet him before battle commences?'

'It's a... it's a goodwill gesture, sire. Warriors honouring one another.'

'But the man's a complete incompetent!'

'Indeed, sire.'

'And we're about to set thousands of our countrymen against one another, aren't we?'

'Indeed, sire.'

'So what does the maniac want to do? Tell me there's no hard feelings?'

'Broadly speaking, sire... yes. I understand the motto of his old school was “It matters not that you won or lost, but that you took part.” ' The Prince's lips moved as he tried this out once or twice. Finally he said: 'And, knowing this, people still take orders from him?'

we eat anything,' said 71–hour Ahmed solemnly. 'PRIVATE BOURKE YOU ORRIBLE MAN SPEAKIN OF YORE COMMANDIN OFFICER LIKE THAT YOU WILL BE ON A CHARGE I apologize, sir, but we are feeling a little faint.'

'Long time between noses, eh?' said 71–hour Ahmed. 'Ahahaha, sir,' said Willikins. Vimes sighed. 'Willikins... when you've finished, I want you and your men to come with me.'

'Very good, sir.' Vimes nodded at Ahmed. 'And you too,' he said. 'Push has come to shove.' The hot wind flapped the banners. The sunlight sparkled off the spears. Lord Rust surveyed his army and found that it was good. But small. He leaned towards his adjutant. 'Let us not forget, though, that even General Tacticus was outnumbered ten to one when he took the Pass of Al–Ibi,' he said. 'Yes, sir. Although I believe his men were all mounted on elephants, sir,' said Lieutenant Hornett. 'And had been well provisioned,' he added meaningfully. 'Possibly, possibly. But then Lord Pinwoe's cavalry once charged the full might of the Pseudopolitan army and are renowned in song and story.'

'But they were all killed, sir!'

'Yes, yes, but it was a famous charge, nevertheless. And every child knows, do they not, the story of the mere one hundred Ephebians who defeated the entire Tsortean army? A total victory, hey? Hey?'

'Yes, sir,' said the adjutant glumly. 'Oh, you admit it?'

'Yes, sir. Of course, some commentators believe the earthquake helped.'

'At least you will admit that the Seven Heroes of Hergen beat the Big– Footed People although outnumbered by a hundred to one?'

'Yes, sir. That was a nursery story, sir. It never really happened.'

'Are you calling my nurse a liar, boy?'

'No, sir,' said Lieutenant Hornett hurriedly. 'Then you'll concede that Baron Mimbledrone single-handedly beat the armies of the Plum Pudding Country and ate their Sultana?'

'I envy him, sir.' The lieutenant looked at the lines again. The men were very hungry, although Rust would probably have called them sleek. Things would have been even worse if it hadn't been for the fortuitous shower of boiled lobsters on the way over. 'Er... you don't think, sir, since we have a little time in hand, we should look to the disposition of the men, sir?'

'They look well disposed to me. Plucky men, eager to be at the fray!'