Jingo (Discworld 21)

'There's crates and crates of stuff,' said Carrot. '

's no law–' Jenkins began, but he sounded as if the bottom was dropping out of his world. 'You know, I think there probably is some law against selling weapons to the enemy in times of war,' said Vimes. 'Of course, there might not be. Tell you what,' he added brightly, 'why don't we all go along to Sator Square? It's full of people around this time, all very keen on the war and cheering our brave lads... Why don't we go along and put it to them? You told me I ought to listen to the voice of the people. Odd thing, ain't it... you meet people one at a time, they seem decent, they got brains that work, and then they get together and you hear the voice of the people. And it snarls.'

'That's mob rule!'

'Oh, no, surely not,' said Vimes. 'Call it democratic justice.'

'One man, one rock,' Detritus volunteered. Jenkins looked like a man afraid the world was about to drop out of his bottom. He glared at Vimes and then at Carrot, and saw no help there. 'Of course, you'd have nothing to fear from us,' said Vimes. 'Although you might trip on your way down the stairs to the cells.'

'There's no stairs down to your cells!'

'Stairs can be arranged.'

'Please, Mr Jenkins,' said Carrot, the good cop. 'I wasn't... taking... the weapons to... KIatch,' Jenkins said slowly, as if he was reading the words very painfully off some interior script. 'I had... in fact... bought them to... donate them... to…'

'Yes? Yes?' said Vimes. '... our... brave lads,' said Jenkins. 'Well done!' said Carrot. 'And you'd be happy to... ?' Vimes prompted. 'And... I'd be happy to... lend my boat to the war effort,' said Jenkins, sweating. 'A true patriot,' said Vimes. Jenkins writhed. 'Who told you there was a false panel in the hold?' he demanded. 'It was a guess, right?'

'Right,' said Vimes. 'Aha! I knew you were only guessing!'

'Patriotic and clever,' said Vimes. 'Now... how do you make this thing go fast?' Lord Rust tapped his fingers on the table. 'What did he take the boat for?'

'Dunno, m'lord,' said Cumbling Michael, scratching his head. 'Damn! Did anyone else see them?'

'Oh, there weren't many people around, m'lord.'

'That's a small mercy, at least.'

'Just me and Foul Ole Ron and the Duck Man and Blind Hugh and Ringo Eyebrows and No Way Jose and Sidney Lopsides and that bastard Stoolie and Whistling Dick and a few others, m'lord.' Rust sank back in his chair and put a pale hand over his face. In Ankh– Morpork the night had a thousand eyes and so did the day, and it also had five hundred mouths and nine hundred and ninety–nine ears. 12 'The Klatchians must know, then,' he said. 'A detachment of Ankh– Morpork soldiery has taken ship for Klatch. An invasion force.'

'Oh, you could hardly call it–' Lieutenant Hornett began. 'The Klatchians will call it that. Besides, the trod Detritus is with them,' said Rust. Hornett looked glum. Detritus was an invasion force all by himself. 'What ships have we commandeered?' said Rust. 'There's more than twenty now, if you include the Indestructible, the Indolence and the . .' Lieutenant Hornett looked at his list again, and the Prid of Ankh–Morpork, sir.'

'The Prid?'

'I'm afraid so, sir.'

'We should be able to take more than a thousand men and two hundred horses, then.'

'Why not let Vimes go?' said Lord Selachii. 'Let the Klatchians deal with him, and good riddance.'

'And give them a victory over Ankh–Morpork forces? That's how they will see it. Damn the man. He forces our hand. But still, perhaps it is for the best. We should embark.'

'Are we entirely ready, sir?' said Lieutenant Hornett, with the special inflection that means 'We are not entirely ready, sir.'

'We had better be. Glory awaits, gentlemen. In the words of General Tacticus, let us take history by the scrotum. Of course, he was not a very honourable fighter.' 12 Sidney Lopsides again.

White sunlight etched dark shadows in Prince Cadram's palace. He too had a map of Klatch, made of tiny coloured tiles set into the floor. He sat looking at it pensively. 'Just one boat?' he said. General Ashal, his chief adviser, nodded. And added: 'Our scryers can't get a very dear picture over that distance, but we do believe one of the men to be Vimes. You recall the name, sire.'

'Ah. the useful Commander Vimes.' The Prince smiled. 'Indeed. And since then there has been a lot of activity all along the docks. We have to take the view that the expeditionary force is setting out.'

'I thought we had at least a week, Ashal.'

'It is certainly puzzling. They cannot possibly be prepared, sire. Something must have happened.' Cadram sighed. 'Oh, well, let us follow where fate points the way. Where will they attack?'

'Gebra, sire. I'm sure of it.'

'Our most heavily fortified city? Surely not. Only an idiot would do that.'

'I have studied Lord Rust in some depth, sire. Remember that he doesn't expect us to fight, so the size of our forces really doesn't worry him.' The general smiled. It was a neat, thin little smile. 'And of course in attacking us he is piling infamy upon infamy. The other coastal states will take note.'