Carpe Jugulum (Discworld 23)

'Just as Om reached out his hand to save the prophet Brutha from the torture, so will he spread his wings over me in my time of trial,' said Oats, but he sounded as though he was trying to reassure himself rather than Nanny. He went on: 'I've got a pamphlet if you would like to know more,' and this time the tone was much more positive, as if the existence of Om was a little uncertain whereas the existence of pamphlets was obvious to any open-minded, rational-thinking person.

'Don't,' said Nanny. She let the medallion go. 'Well, Brother Perdore never needed any magic jewellery for fighting off people, that's all I can say.'

'No, he just used to breathe alcohol all over them,' said Agnes. 'Well, you're coming with me, Mr Oats. I'm not facing Prince Slime again alone! And you can shut up!'

'Er, I didn't say anything-'

'I didn't mean you, I meant- Look, you said you've studied vampires, didn't you? What's good for vampires?'

Oats thought for a moment. 'Er... a nice dry coffin, er, plenty of fresh blood, er, overcast skies...' His voice trailed off when he saw her expression. 'Ah... well, it depends exactly where they're from, I remember. Uberwald is a very big place. Er, cutting off the head and staking them in the heart is generally efficacious.'

'But that works on everyone,' said Nanny.

'Er... in Splintz they die if you put a coin in their mouth and cut their head off...'

'Not like ordinary people, then,' said Nanny, taking out a notebook.

'Er... in Klotz they die if you stick a lemon in their mouth-'

'Sounds more like it.'

'-after you cut their head off. I believe that in Glitz you have to fill their mouth with salt, hammer a carrot into both ears, and then cut off their head.'

'I can see it must've been fun finding that out.'

'And in the valley of the Ah they believe it's best to cut off the head and boil it in vinegar.'

'You're going to need someone to carry all this stuff, Agnes,' said Nanny Ogg.

'But in Kashncari they say you should cut off their toes and drive a nail through their neck.'

'And cut their head off?'

'Apparently you don't have to.'

'Toes is easy,' said Nanny. 'Old Windrow over in Bad Ass cut off two of his with a spade and he weren't even trying.'

'And then, of course, you can defeat them by stealing their left sock,' said Oats.

'Sorry?' said Agnes. 'I think I misheard you there.'

'Um, they're pathologically meticulous, you see. Some of the gypsy tribes in Borogravia say that if you steal their sock and hide it somewhere they'll spend the rest of eternity looking for it. They can't abide things to be out of place or missing.'

'I wouldn't have put this down as a very widespread belief,' said Nanny.

'Oh, they say in some villages that you can even slow them down by throwing poppyseed at them,' said Oats. 'Then they'll have a terrible urge to count every seed. Vampires are very analretentive, you see?'

'I shouldn't like meeting one that was the opposite,' said Nanny.

'Yes, well, I don't think we're going to have time to ask the Count for his precise address,' said Agnes quickly. 'We're going to go in, fetch Magrat and get back here, all right? Why are you such a vampire expert, Oats?'

'I told you, I studied this sort of thing at college. We have to know the enemy if we're to combat evil forces... vampires, demons, wit-' He stopped.

'Do go on,' said Nanny Ogg, as sweet as arsenic.

'But with witches I'm just supposed to show them the error of their ways.' Oats coughed nervously.

'That's something to look forward to, then,' said Nanny. 'What with me not havin' my fireproof corsets on. Off you go, then... all three of you.'