The Fifth Elephant (Discworld 24)

"Not a good idea, sir," said Carrot firmly. "He didn"t see anything."

"How do you know he didn"t see anything? You haven"t asked him."

"I know, sir. He didn"t see anything. He didn"t hear anything, either."

"With a mob trashing his restaurant and scrapping in the street outside?"

"That"s right, sir."

"Ah. I get it. There"s none so deaf as those that won"t hear, are you saying?"

"Something like that, sir, yes. Look, it"s all over, sir. I don"t think anyone"s seriously hurt. It"ll be for the best, sir. Please?"

"Is this one of those private dwarf things, captain?"

"Yes, sir - "

"Well, this is Ankh-Morpork, captain, not some mine in the mountains, and it"s my job to keep the peace, and this, captain, doesn"t look like it. What"re people going to say about rioting in the streets?"

"They"ll say it"s another day in the life of the big city, sir," said Carrot woodenly.

"Yes, I suppose they would, at that. However - " Vimes picked up a groaning dwarf. "Who did this?" he demanded. "I"m not in the mood for being messed around. Come on, I want a name!"

"Agi Hammerthief," muttered the dwarf, struggling.

"All right," said Vimes, letting him go. "Write that down, Carrot."

"No, sir," said Carrot.

"Excuse me?"

"There is no Agi Hammerthief in the city, sir."

"You know every dwarf?"

"A lot of them, sir. But Agi Hammerthief is only found down mines, sir. He"s a sort of mischievous spirit, sir. For example, "Put it where Agi puts the coal," sir, means - "

"Yes, I can guess," said Vimes. "You"re telling me that that dwarf just said this riot was started by Sweet Fanny Adams?" The dwarf had disappeared smartly around a corner.

"More or less, sir. Excuse me a moment, sir." Carrot stepped across the street, pulling two white-painted paddles out of his belt. "I"ll just get a line of sight on a tower," he said. "I"d better send a clacks."

"Why?"

"Well, we"ve kept the Patrician waiting, sir, so it"d be good manners to let him know we"re late."

Vimes pulled out his watch and stared at it. It was turning out to be one of those days... the sort that you got every day.

It is in the nature of the universe that the person who always keeps you waiting ten minutes will, on the day you are ten minutes tardy, have been ready ten minutes early and will make a point of not mentioning this.

"Sorry we"re late, sir," said Vimes as they entered the Oblong Office.

"Oh, are you late?" said Lord Vetinari, looking up from his paperwork. "I really hadn"t noticed. Nothing serious, I trust."

"The Fools" Guild caught fire, sir," said Carrot.

"Many casualties?"

"No, sir."