The Fifth Elephant (Discworld 24)

"Go with Lady Syb - "

He stopped because of the rising hubbub. One or two people pointed. Someone laughed. Cheery stopped, looking down.

"What"s up?" Vimes hissed.

"Er, it"s me, sir. Ankh-Morpork dwarf fashions haven"t really caught on here, sir," said Cheery.

"The skirt?" said Vimes.

"Yes, sir."

Vimes looked around at the faces. They seemed more shocked than angry, although he spotted a couple of dwarfs in one corner who were definitely unhappy.

"Go with Lady Sybil," he repeated.

"It might not be a very good id - " Cheery began.

"Gods damn it!" shouted Vimes, unable to stop himself. The crowd went silent. A ragged bloodstained madman holding a crossbow can command a rapt audience. Then he shuddered. What he wanted now was a bed, but what he wanted, before bed, more than anything, was a drink. And he couldn"t have one. He"d learned that long ago. One drink was one too many.

"All right, tell me," he said.

"All dwarfs are men, sir," said Cheery. "I mean... traditionally. That"s how everyone thinks of it up here."

"Well, stand outside the door, or... or shut your eyes or something, Okay?"

Vimes lifted Lady Sybil"s chin. "Are you all right, dear?" he said.

"Sorry to let you down, Sam," she whispered. "It was just so awful."

Vimes, designed by Nature to be one of those men unable to kiss their own wives in public, patted her helplessly on the shoulder. She thought she"d let him down. It was unbearable.

"You just... I mean, Cheery will... and I"ll... sort things out and be along right away," he said. "We"ll get a good bedroom, I suspect."

She nodded, still looking down.

"And... I"m just going out for some fresh air."

Vimes stepped outside. The snow had stopped for now. The moon was half hidden by clouds and the air smelled of frost.

When the figure dropped down from the eaves it was amazed at the way Vimes spun and rushed it bodily against the wall.

Vimes looked through a red mist at the moonlit face of Inigo Skimmer.

"I"ll damn well - " he began.

"Look down, your grace," said Skimmer. "Mhm, mhm."

Vimes realized he could feel the faintest prick of a knife blade on his stomach. "Look down further," he said.

Inigo looked down. He swallowed. Vimes had a knife, too. "You really are no gentleman, then," he said.

"Make a sudden move and neither are you," said Vimes. "And now it appears that we have reached what Sergeant Colon persists in referring to as an imp arse."

"I assure you I will not kill you," said Inigo.

"I know that," said Vimes. "But will you try?"

"No. I"m here for your protection, mhm, mhm."