The Fifth Elephant (Discworld 24)

"You are not certain?"

"Dee was!"

"Dee... is in a difficult state of mind." The King looked at the ceiling. "I think I will tell you this because, your excellency, I really do not want you going through the rest of your time here asking silly questions. Yes, this is the true Scone."

"But how could - "

"Wait! So was the one that is, yes, ground to dust in the cave by Dee in her... madness," the King went on. "So were the... let me see... five before that. Still untouched by time after fifteen hundred years? What romantics we dwarfs are! Even the very best dwarf bread crumbles after a few hundred."

"Fakes?" said Vimes. "They were all fakes?"

Suddenly the King was holding his mining axe again. "This, milord, is my family"s axe. We have owned it for almost nine hundred years, see. Of course, sometimes it needed a new blade. And sometimes it has required a new handle, new designs on the metalwork, a little refreshing of the ornamentation... but is this not the nine-hundred-year-old axe of my family? And because it has changed gently over time, it is still a pretty good axe, y"know. Pretty good. Will you tell me this is a fake too?" He sat back again.

Vimes remembered the look on Albrecht"s face. "He knew."

"Oh, yes. A number of... more senior dwarfs know. The knowledge runs in families. The first Scone crumbled after three hundred years when the king of the time touched it. My ancestor was a guard who witnessed it, see. He got accelerated promotion, you could say. I"m sure you understand me. After that, we were a little more prepared. We would have been looking for a new one in fifty years or so in any case. I"m glad one was made in the large dwarf city of Ankh-Morpork, and I wouldn"t be at all surprised if it turns out to be an excellent keeper. Look, they"ve even got the currants right, see?"

"But Albrecht could have exposed you!" ;Wolfgang hit you," said Angua. She wiped his brow.

"What with?" Carrot tried to push himself upwards, winced and fell back.

"What have I always told you about the Marquis of Fantailler?" said Vimes.

"Sorry, sir."

Something bright rose from the distant forests. It vanished, and then a green light expanded into existence. A moment later came the pop of the flare.

"The signallers have got to the tower," said Vimes.

"Can"t this damn thing go any faster?" said Angua.

"I mean, we can contact Ankh-Morpork," said Vimes. After everything, he felt curiously cheered by this. It was as if a special human howl had gone up. He wasn"t floundering around loose now. He was floundering on the end of a very long line. That made all the difference.

It was a small public room over a shop in Bonk and, since it belonged to everybody, it looked as though it didn"t belong to anyone. There was dust in the corners, and the chairs that were currently arranged in a ragged circle had been chosen for their ability to be stacked neatly rather than sat on comfortably.

Lady Margolotta smiled at the assembled vampires. She liked these meetings.

The rest of the group were a pretty mixed bunch, and she wondered what their motives were. But perhaps they at least shared one conviction - that what you were made as wasn"t what you had to be or what you might become...

And the trick was to start small. Suck, but don"t impale. Little steps. And then you found that what you really wanted was power, and there were much politer ways of getting it. And then you realized that power was a bauble. Any thug had power. The true prize was control. Lord Vetinari knew that. When heavy weights were balanced on the scales, the trick was to know where to place your thumb.

And all control started with the self.

She stood up. They watched her with slightly worried yet friendly faces.

"My name, in the short form, is Lady Margolotta Amaya Katerina Assumpta Crassina von Uberwald, and I am a vampire..."

They chorused: "Hello, Lady Margolotta Amaya Katerina Assumpta Crassina von Uberwald!"

"It has been almost four years now," said Lady Margolotta, "and I am still taking vun night at a time. Vun neck would always be vun too many. But... there are compensations..."

There were no guards on the gate of Bonk, but there was a cluster of dwarfs outside the embassy as the sleigh slid to a halt. The wolves in the traces jerked nervously and whined at Angua.

"I"ll have to let them go," she said, getting out. "They"ve only come this far because they"re frightened of me..."

Vimes wasn"t surprised. At the moment, anything would be frightened of Angua.

Even so, a squad of dwarfs was hurrying to the sledge.