The Fifth Elephant (Discworld 24)

"Oh, are you late?" said Lord Vetinari, looking up from his paperwork. "I really hadn"t noticed. Nothing serious, I trust."

"The Fools" Guild caught fire, sir," said Carrot.

"Many casualties?"

"No, sir."

"Well, that is a blessing," said Lord Vetinari carefully. He put down his pen.

"Now... what do we have to discuss... ?" He pulled another document towards him and read it swiftly.

"Ah... I see that the new traffic division is having the desired effect." He indicated a large pile of paper. "I am getting any amount of complaints from the Carters" and Drovers" Guild. Well done. Do pass on my thanks to Sergeant Colon and his team."

"I will, sir."

"I see in one day they clamped seventeen carts, ten horses, eighteen oxen and one duck."

"It was parked illegally, sir."

"Indeed. However, a strange pattern seems to emerge."

"Sir?"

"Many of the carters say that they were not in fact parked but had merely halted while an extremely old and extremely ugly lady crossed the road extremely slowly."

"That"s their story, sir."

"They know she was an old lady by her constant litany on the lines of "Oh deary me, my poor old feet," and similar expressions."

"Certainly sounds like an old lady to me, sir," said Vimes, his face wooden.

"Quite so. What is rather strange is that several of them then report seeing the old lady subsequently legging it away along an alley rather fast. I"d discount this, of course, were it not for the fact that the lady has apparently been seen crossing another street, very slowly, some distance away shortly afterwards. Something of a mystery, Vimes."

Vimes put his hand over his eyes. "It"s one I intend to solve quite quickly, sir."

The Patrician nodded and made a short note on the list in front of him.

As he went to move it aside he uncovered a much grubbier, much-folded scrap of paper. He picked up two letter knives and, using them fastidiously, unfolded the paper and inched it across the desk towards Vimes.

"Do you know anything about this?" he said.

Vimes read, in large, round, crayoned letters:

DeEr Cur, The CruEL t to HOMLIss DoGs In thIs CITY Is A DIssGrays,

WaT arE The WaTCH Do Ing A BouT ITZ

SiNeD The LeAK AgyANsct CrUle T To DoGs."

"Not a thing," he said.

"My clerks say that one like it is pushed under the door most nights," said the Patrician. "Apparently no one is seen."

"Do you want me to investigate?" said Vimes. "It shouldn"t be hard to find someone in this city who dribbles when he writes and spells even worse than Carrot."

"Thank you, sir," said Carrot.

"None of the guards report noticing anyone," said the Patrician. "Is there any group in Ankh-Morpork particularly interested in the welfare of dogs?"