The Fifth Elephant (Discworld 24)

"Acting Captain, it is not necessary to remain to attention at all times," he said kindly. "You are allowed to unbend enough for the satisfactory manipulation of a doorknob."

"Yes, sah!"

Lord Vetinari raised a hand to his ear protectively. "You may be seated."

"Yes, sah!"

"You may be quieter, too."

"Yes, sah!"

Lord Vetinari retreated to the protection of his desk. "May I commend you on the gleam of your armour, Acting Captain - "

"Spit and polish, sah! No substitute for it, sah!" Sweat was streaming down Colon"s face.

"Oh, good. Clearly you have been purchasing extra supplies of spit. Now then, let me see..." Lord Vetinari drew a sheet of paper from one of the small stacks in front of him.

"Now then, Acti - "

"Sah!"

"To be sure. I have here another complaint of over-enthusiastic clamping. I"m sure you know to what I refer."

"It was causing serious traffic congestion, sah!"

"Quite so. It is well known for it. But it is, in fact, the opera house."

"Sah!"

"The owner feels that big yellow clamps at each corner detract from what I might call the tone of the building. And, of course, they do prevent him from driving it away."

"Sah!"

"Indeed. I think that this is a case where discretion might be advisable, acting captain!"

"Got to make an example to the others, sah!"

"Ah. Yes." The Patrician held another piece of paper delicately between thumb and forefinger, as though it was some rare and strange creature. "The others being... let me see if I can recall, some things do stick in the mind so... ah, yes... three other buildings, six fountains, three statues and the gibbet in Nonesuch Street. Oh, and my own palace."

"I fully understand you"re parked on business, sah!"

Lord Vetinari paused. He found it difficult to talk to Frederick Colon. He dealt on a daily basis with people who treated conversation as a complex game, and with Colon he had to keep on adjusting his mind in case he overshot.

"Pursuing the business of your recent career with, I have to admit, some considerable and growing fascination, I am moved to ask you why the Watch now appears to have a staff of twenty."

"Sah?"

"You had around sixty a little while ago, I"m sure."

Colon mopped his face. "Cutting out the dead wood, sah! Making the Watch leaner an" fitter, sah!"

"I see. The number of internal disciplinary charges you have laid against your men - " and here the Patrician picked up a much thicker document -  "seems somewhat excessive. I see no fewer than one hundred and seventy-three offences of eyeballing, earlobing and nostrilling, for example."

"Sah!"

"Nostrilling, acting captain?"

"Sah!"