The Truth (Discworld 25)

'Does it bite?'

'Oh no, zey are very lazy wretches--'

'What is this you've been working on, Otto?' Sacharissa said, turning to look closer at something big on the bench.

He tried to dart in front of her. 'Oh, it is all very experimental--'

The way of making coloured plates?'

'Yes, but it is just a crude lash-up--'

Sacharissa caught sight of a movement out of the corner of her eye. The escaped land eel, having got bored behind the bench, was making a very sluggish bid for new horizons where an eel could wriggle proud and horizontal.

'Please don't--' Otto began.

'Oh, it's all right, I'm not at all squeamish...'

Sacharissa's hand closed on the eel.

She came to with Otto's black handkerchief being flapped desperately in her face.

'Oh, my goodness...' she said, trying to sit up.

Otto's face was a picture of such terror that Sacharissa forgot her own splitting headache for a moment.

'What's happened to you?' she said. 'You look terrible.'

Otto jerked back, tried to stand up and half collapsed against the bench, clutching at his chest.

'Cheese!' he moaned. 'Please get me some cheese! Or a big apple! Something to bitel Pleeease!'

There's nothing like that down here--'

'Keep avay from me! And do not breathe like zat!' Otto wailed.

'Like what?'

'Zer bosoms going in and out and up and down like zat! I am a vampirel A fainting young lady, please understand, zer panting, zer heaving of zer bosoms... it calls somezing terrible from vithin With a lurch he pushed himself upright and gripped the black twist of ribbon from his lapel. 'But I vill be stronk!' he screamed. 'I vill not let everyvun down!'

He stood stiffly to attention, although slightly blurred because of the vibration shaking him from head to foot, and in a trembling voice sang: 'Oh vill you come to zer mission, vill you come, come, come, Zere's a nice cup of tea and a bun, and a bun--'

The ladder was suddenly alive with tumbling dwarfs.

'Are you all right, miss?' said Boddony, running forward with his axe. 'Has he tried anything?'

'No, no! He's--'

'--zer drink zat's in zer livink vein, Is not zer drink for me--' Sweat was running down Otto's face. He stood with one hand pressed over his heart.

That's right, Otto!' shouted Sacharissa. Tight it! Fight it!' She turned to the dwarfs. 'Have any of you got any raw meat?'

'... to life anew and temperance too. And to pure cold vater ve'll come...' Veins were throbbing on Otto's pale head.

'Got some fresh rat fillets upstairs,' muttered one of the dwarfs. 'Cost me tuppence 'You get them right now, Gowdie,' snapped Boddony. 'This looks

bad!' ---oh ve can drink brandy and gin if it's handy, and ve can sup vhisky and rum, but zer drink ve abhor and ve drink no more, is zer--'

"Tuppence is tuppence, that's all I'm saying!'