The Truth (Discworld 25)

The imp took a deep breath. 'May I introduce to you the rest of my wide range of interesting and amusing sounds, Insert Name Here?'

Mr Pin glanced at Mr Tulip. 'All right.'

'For example, I can go "tra-la!"'

'No.'

'An amusing bugle call?'

'No.'

' "Ding!"?'

'No.'

'Or I can be instructed to make droll and diverting comments when performing various actions.'

'Why?'

'Er... some people like us to say things like "I'll be back when you open the box again", or something like that

'Why do you do noises?' said Mr Pin.

'People like noises.'

'We don't,' said Mr Pin.

'We --ing hate noises,' said Mr Tulip.

'Good for you! I can do lots of silence,' the imp volunteered. But suicidal programming forced it to continue: 'And would you like a different colour scheme?'

'What?'

'What colour would you like me to be?' As it spoke, one of the imp's long ears slowly turned purple and its nose became a vaguely disquieting shade of blue.

'We don't want any colours,' said Mr Pin. 'We don't want noises. We don't want cheerfulness. We just want you to do what you're told.'

'Perhaps you would like to take a moment to fill in your registration card?' said the imp desperately, holding it up.

A knife thrown at snake speed snapped the card out of its hand and nailed it to the desk.

'Or perhaps you would like to leave it until later...'

'Your man here--' Mr Pin began. 'Where did he go?'

Mr Tulip reached behind the counter and hauled up the wizard. ,

'Your man here says you're one of those imps that can repeat everything you hear,' said Pin.

'Yes, Insert Name Here, sir,' said the imp.

'And you don't make stuff up?'

'They can't,' the wizard panted. 'They have no imagination at all.'

'So if someone heard it, they'd know it was real?'

'Yes, indeed.'