Thief of Time (Discworld 26)

'If you put it like that-' Then something made Lobsang look down. He was standing in six inches of snow. Lu-Tze was not. His sandals were standing in two puddles. The ice was melting away around his toes. His pink, warm toes. 'Toes, now, that's another matter,' said the sweeper. 'Mrs Cosmopilite is a wizard with longjohns, but she can't turn a heel worth a damn.' Lobsang looked up into a wink. 'Always remember Rule One, eh?' Lu-Tze patted the shaken boy on the arm. 'But you're doing well' he said. 'Let's have a quiet sit down and a brew-up.' He pointed to some rocks, which at least offered some protection from the wind; snow had piled up against them in big white mounds.

'Lu-Tze?'

'Yes, lad?'

'I've got a question. Can you give me a straight answer?'

'I'll try, of course.'

'What the hell is going on?' Lu-Tze brushed the snow off a rock. 'Oh,' he said. 'One of the difficult questions.' Tick Igor had to admit it. When it came to getting weird things done, sane beat mad hands down. He'd been used to masters who, despite doing wonderful handstands on the edge of the mental catastrophe curve, couldn't put their own trousers on without a map. Like all Igors, he'd learned how to deal with them. In truth, it wasn't a difficult job (although sometimes you had to work the graveyard shift) and once you got them settled into their routine you could get on with your own work and they wouldn't bother you until the lightning rod needed raising. It wasn't like that with Jeremy. He was truly a man you could set your watch by. Igor had never seen a life so organized, so slimmed down, so timed. He found himself thinking of his new master as the tick-tock man. One of Igors former masters had made a tick-tock man, all levers and gearwheels and cranks and clockwork. Instead of a brain, it had a long tape punched with holes. Instead of a heart, it had a big spring. Provided everything in the kitchen was very carefully positioned, the thing could sweep the floor and make a passable cup of tea. If everything wasn't carefully positioned, or if the ticking, clicking thing hit an unexpected bump, then it'd strip the plaster off the walls and make a furious cup of cat. Then his master had conceived the idea of making the thing live, so that it could punch its own tapes and wind its own spring. Igor, who knew exactly when to follow instructions to the letter, dutifully rigged up the classic rising-table-and-lightning-rod arrangement on the evening of a really good storm. He didn't see exactly what happened thereafter, because he wasn't there when the lightning hit the clockwork. No, Igor was at a dead run halfway down the hill to the village, with all his possessions in a carpet bag. Even so, a white-hot cogwheel had whirred over his head and buried itself in a tree trunk. Loyalty to a master was very important, but it took second place to loyalty to Igordom. If the world was going to be full of lurching servants, then they were damn well going to be called Igor. It seemed to this Igor that if you could make a tick-tock man live, he'd be like Jeremy. And Jeremy was ticking faster, as the clock neared completion.

's going on, Sweeper?' said Lobsang, trailing after him. 'Well, it's like this, lad. Me and the abbot and the bloke we're going to see, we go back a long way. Things are a bit different now. The abbot can't just say, “Lu-Tze, you are an old rogue, it was you who put the idea of Uberwald into everyone's heads in the first place, but I see you're onto something so off you go and follow your nose.”'

'But I thought he was the supreme ruler!'

'Exactly! And it's very hard to get things done when you're a supreme ruler. There're too many people in the way, mucking things up. This way, the new lads can have fun running around Uberwald going, “Hai!” and we, my lad, will be heading for Ankh-Morpork. The abbot knows that. Almost knows that.'

'How do you know the new clock is being built in Ankh Morpork?' said Lobsang, trailing behind Lu-Tze as he took a mossy, sunken path that led through rhododendron thickets to the monastery wall.

'I know. I'll tell you, the day someone pulls the plug out of the bottom of the universe, the chain will lead all the way to Ankh-Morpork and some bugger saying, “I just wanted to see what would happen.” All roads lead to Ankh-Morpork.'

'I thought all roads led away from Ankh-Morpork.'

'Not the way we're going. Ah, here we are.' Lu-Tze knocked on the door of a rough but large shed built right up against the wall. At the same moment there was an explosion within and someone - Lobsang corrected himself - half of someone tumbled very fast out of the unglazed window beside it and hit the path with bone-cracking force. Only when it stopped rolling did he realize that it was a wooden dummy in a monk's robe. 'Qu's having fun, I see,' said Lu-Tze. He hadn't moved as the dummy had sailed past his ear. The door burst open and a plump old monk looked out excitedly. 'Did you see that? Did you see that?' he said. 'And that was with just one spoonful!' He nodded at them. 'Oh, hello, Lu-Tze. I was expecting you. I've got some things ready.'

'Got what?' said Lobsang. 'Who's the boy?' said Qu, ushering them in. 'The untutored child is called Lobsang,' said Lu-Tze, looking around the shed. There was a smoking circle on the stone floor, with drifts of blackened sand around it. 'New toys, Qu?'

'Exploding mandala,' said Qu happily, bustling forward. 'Just sprinkle the special sand on a simple design anywhere you like, and the first enemy to walk on it- Bang, instant karma! Don't touch that!' Lu-Tze reached across and snatched from Lobsang's inquisitive hands the begging bowl that he had just picked up from a table. 'Remember Rule One,' he said, and hurled the bowl across the room. Hidden blades slid out as it spun, and the bowl buried itself in a beam. 'That would take a man's head right off!' said Lobsang. And then they heard the faint ticking. '... three, four, five...' said Qu. 'Everybody duck... Now!' Lu-Tze pushed Lobsang to the floor a moment before the bowl exploded. Metal fragments scythed overhead. 'I added just a little something extra since you last saw it,' said Qu proudly, as they got to their feet again. 'A very versatile device. Plus, of course, you can use it to eat rice out of. Oh, and have you seen this?' He picked up a prayer drum. Both Lu-Tze and Lobsang took a step back.

Qu twirled the drum a few times, and the weighted cords pattered against the skins. 'The cord can be instantly removed for a handy garotte,' he said, 'and the drum itself can be removed - like so - to reveal this useful dagger.'

'Plus, of course, you can use it to pray with?' said Lobsang. 'Well spotted,' said Qu. 'Quick boy. A prayer is always useful in the last resort. In fact we've been working on a very promising mantra incorporating sonic tones that have a particular effect on the human nervous syst-'

'I don't think we need any of this stuff, Qu,' said Lu-Tze. Qu sighed. 'At least you could let us turn your broom into a secret weapon, Lu-Tze. I've shown you the plans-'

'It is a secret weapon,' said Lu-Tze. 'It's a broom.'

'How about the new yaks we've been breeding? At the touch of a rein their horns will instantly-'

'We want the spinners, Qu.' The monk suddenly looked guilty. 'Spinners? What spinners?' Lu-Tze walked across the room and pressed a hand against part of the wall, which slid aside. 'These spinners, Qu. Don't muck me about, we haven't got time.' Lobsang saw what looked very much like two small Procrastinators, each one within a metal framework mounted on a board. There was a harness attached to each board. 'You haven't told the abbot about them yet, have you?' said Lu-Tze, unhooking one of the things. 'He'd put a stop to them if you did, you know that.'

'I didn't think anyone knew!' said Qu. 'How did you-' Lu-Tze grinned. 'No one notices a sweeper,' he said. 'They're still very experimental!' said Qu, close to panic. 'I was going to tell the abbot, of course, but I was waiting until I had something to demonstrate! And it would be terrible if they fell into the wrong hands!'

'Then we'll see to it that they don't,' said Lu-Tze, examining the straps. 'How're they powered now?'

'Weights and ratchets were too unreliable,' said Qu. 'I'm afraid I had to resort to... clockwork.' Lu-Tze stiffened, and he glared at the monk. 'Clockwork?

'Only as a motive force, only as a motive force!' Qu protested. 'There's really no other choice!'

'Too late now, it'll have to do,' said Lu-Tze, unhooking the other board and passing it across to Lobsang. 'There you go, lad. With a bit of sacking round it it'll look just like a backpack.'

'What is it?' Qu sighed. 'They're portable Procrastinators. Try not to break them, please.'

'What will we need them for?'

'I hope you won't have to find out,' said Lu-Tze. 'Thanks, Qu.' Are you sure you wouldn't prefer some time bombs?' said Qu hopefully. 'Drop one on the floor and time will slow for-'

'Thanks, but no.'