The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rodents (Discworld 28)

THE END

ht Darktan. 'Now I want to ask you a question,' he said. 'You've been the leader for… how long?'

'Ten years,' said the mayor. 'Isn't it hard?'

'Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Everyone argues with me all the time,' said the mayor. 'Although I must say I'm expecting a little less arguing if all this works. But it's not an easy job.'

'It's ridiculous to have to shout all the time just to get things done,' said Darktan. 'That's right,' said the mayor. 'And everyone expects you to decide things,' said Darktan. 'True.'

'The last leader gave me some advice just before he died, and do you know what it was? “Don't eat the green wobbly bit”!'

'Good advice?' said the mayor. 'Yes,' said Darktan. 'But all he had to do was be big and tough and fight all the other rats that wanted to be leader.'

'It's a bit like that with the council,' said the mayor. 'What?' said Darktan. 'You bite them in the neck?'

'Not yet,' said the mayor. 'But it's a thought, I must say.'

'It's just all a lot more complicated than I ever thought it would be!' said Darktan, bewildered. 'Because after you've learned to shout you have to learn not to!'

'Right again,' said the mayor. 'That's how it works.' He put his hand down on the desk, palm up. 'May I?' he said. Darktan stepped aboard, and kept his balance as the mayor carried him over to the window and set him down on the sill. 'See the river?' said the mayor. 'See the houses? See the people in the streets? I have to make it all work. Well, not the river, obviously, that works by itself. And every year it turns out that I haven't upset enough people for them to choose anyone else as mayor. So I have to do it again. It's a lot more complicated than I ever thought it would be.'

'What, for you, too? But you're a human!' said Darktan in astonishment. 'Hah! You think that makes it easier? I thought rats were wild and free!'

'Hah!' said Darktan. They both stared out of the window. Down in the square below they could see Keith and Malicia walking along, deep in conversation. 'If you like,' said the mayor, after a while, 'you could have a little desk here in my office-'

'I'll live underground, thank you all the same,' said Darktan, pulling himself together. 'Little desks are a bit too Mr Bunnsy.' The mayor sighed. 'I suppose so. Er…' He looked as if he was about to share some guilty secret and, in a way, he was. 'I did like those books when I was a boy, though. Of course I knew it was all nonsense but, all the same, it was nice to think that-'

'Yeah, yeah,' said Darktan. 'But the rabbit was stupid. Whoever heard of a rabbit talking?'

'Oh, yes. I never liked the rabbit. It was the minor characters everyone liked. Ratty Rupert and Phil the Pheasant and Olly the Snake-'

'Oh, come on,' said Darktan. 'He had a collar and tie!'

'Well?'

'Well, how did it stay on? A snake is tube-shaped!'

'Do you know, I never thought of it like that,' said the mayor. 'Silly, really. He'd wriggle out of it, wouldn't he?'

'And waistcoats on rats don't work.'

'No?'

'No,' said Darktan. 'I tried it. Tool belts are fine, but waistcoats. Dangerous Beans got quite upset about that. But I told him, you've got to be practical.'

'It's just like I always tell my daughter,' said the man. 'Stories are just stories. Life is complicated enough as it is. We have to plan for the real world. There's no room for the fantastic.'

'Exactly,' said the rat. And man and rat talked, as the long light faded into the evening. A man was painting, very carefully, a little picture underneath the street sign that said 'River Street'. It was a long way underneath, only just higher than the pavement, and he had to kneel down. He kept referring to a small piece of paper in his hand. The picture looked like:

Keith laughed. 'What's funny?' said Malicia. 'It's in the Rat alphabet,' said Keith. 'It says Water+Fast+Stones. The streets have got cobbles on, right? So rats see them as stones. It means River Street.'

'Both languages on the street signs. Clause 193,' said Malicia. 'That's fast. They only agreed that two hours ago. I suppose that means there will be tiny signs in human language in the rat tunnels?'

'I hope not,' said Keith. 'Why not?'

'Because rats mostly mark their tunnels by widdling on them.' He was impressed at the way Malicia's expression didn't change a bit. 'I can see we're all going to have to make some important mental adjustments,' she said, thoughtfully. 'It was odd about Maurice, though, after my father told him there were plenty of kind old ladies in the town that'd be happy to give him a home.'

'You mean when he said that wouldn't be any fun, getting it that way?' said Keith. 'Yes. Do you know what he meant?'