Night Watch (Discworld 29)

'What? No. He just looked around and said, “Mr Keel ran up to Scoone Avenue,” and then he went on sweeping.'

'Sweeping?'

'Oh, it's the kind of holy thing they do. So they don't tread on ants, I think. Or they sweep sins away. Or maybe they just like the place clean. Who cares what monks do?'

'And nothing about that struck you as odd?'

'Why? I thought perhaps you were naturally kind to beggars!' snapped Rosie. 'It doesn't bother me. Dotsie said she put something in his begging bowl, though.'

'What?'

'Would you ask?' The majority of Vimes thought: who does care about what monks do? They're monks. That's why they're weird. Maybe one had a moment of revelation or something, they like that kind of thing. So what? Find the wizards, explain what's happened and leave it to them. But the policeman part thought: how do little monks know I'm called Keel? I smell a rat. The majority said: it's a thirty-year-old rat, then. And the policeman said: yes, that's why it smells. 'Look, I'm going to have to go and check something,' he said. 'I'll . . . probably be back.'

'Well, I can't chain you up,' said Rosie. She smiled a grim little smile, and went on: That costs extra. But if you don't come back, yet have any intention of staying in this city, then the Aunts-'

'I promise you, the last thing I want to do is leave Ankh-Morpork,' said Vimes. 'That actually sounded convincing,' said Rosie. 'Off you go, then. We're past curfew now. But why don't I think you'll be bothered by that?' As he disappeared in the gloom Dotsie sidled up to Rosie. 'You want we should follow him, dearie?'

'Don't bother.'

'You should have let Sadie give him a little prod, dear. That slows them down.'

'I think it takes quite a lot to slow that man down. And we don't want trouble. Not at a time like this. We're too close.'

'You don't want to be out at a time like this, mister.' Vimes turned. He'd been hammering on the closed gates of the University. There were three watchmen behind him. One of them was holding a torch. Another was holding a bow. The third had clearly decided that activities for tonight would not include heavy lifting. Vimes raised his hands slowly. 'I expect he wants to be in a nice cold cell for the night,' said the one with the torch.

Oh dear, thought Vimes. It's the Comedian of the Year contest. Coppers really oughtn't to try this, but they still did. 'I was just visiting the University,' he said. 'Oh, yes?' said the one without either torch or bow. He was portly, and Vimes could make out the tarnished gleam of a sergeant's stripes. 'Where d'you live?'

'Nowhere,' said Vimes. I've just arrived. And shall we move right along? I don't have a job and I don't have any money. And neither of those is a crime.'

'Out after curfew? No visible means of support?' said the sergeant. 'I got my legs,' said Vimes. 'At the moment, hur, hur,' said one of the men. He stopped when Vimes looked at him. 'I want to make a complaint, sergeant,' said Vimes. 'What about?'

'You,' said Vimes. 'And the Brothers Grin here. You're not doing it right. If you're going to arrest someone, you take charge right away. You've got a badge and a weapon, yes? And he's got his hands up, and a guilty conscience. Everyone's got a guilty conscience. So he's wondering what you know and what you're going to do, and what you do is fire off the questions, sharply. You don't make silly jokes 'cos that makes you too human and you keep him off balance so he can't quite think a clear sentence and above all you don't let him move like this and grab your arm and pull it up so it almost breaks like this and grab your sword and hold it to your throat like this. Tell your men to lower those swords, will you? The way they're waving them around, they could hurt someone.' The sergeant gurgled. 'Right,' said Vimes. 'Oh, sergeant . . . this is a sword? Ever sharpen it? What do you use it for, bludgeoning people to death? Now, what you're going to do is, you're all going to put your weapons on the ground over there, and then I'm going to let the sarge go and I'll leg it up that alley, okay? And by the time you've got your weapons back in your hands, and believe me I'd advise you to get hold of weapons before coming after me, I'll be well away. End of problem all round. Any questions?' All three watchmen were silent. Then Vimes heard a very faint, very close noise. It was the sound of the hairs in his ears rustling as, with great care, the tip of a crossbow bolt gently entered his ear. 'Yes, sir, I have a question,' said a voice behind him. 'Do you ever listen to your own advice?' Vimes felt the pressure of the crossbow against his skull, and wondered how far the arrow would go if the trigger was pulled. An inch would be too much.

Sometimes you just had to take the lumps. He dropped the sword with great and exaggerated care, released his grip on the sergeant, and stepped away meekly while the fourth watchman maintained his aim. 'I'll just stand with my legs apart, shall I?' he said. 'Yeah,' growled the sergeant, turning round. 'Yeah, that'll save us a bit of time. Although for you, mister, we've got all night. Well done, lance- constable. We'll make a watchman of you yet.'

'Yeah, well done,' said Vimes, staring at the young man with the bow. But the sergeant was already taking his run-up. It was later. Pain had happened. Vimes lay on the hard cell bed and tried to make it go away. It hadn't been as bad as it might be. That mob hadn't even been able to organize a good seeing-to. They didn't understand how a man could roll with the punches and half the time they were getting in their own way. Was he enjoying this? Not the pain. He'd pass on the pain. In fact he'd passed out on the pain. But there was that small part of him he'd heard sometimes during strenuous arrests after long chases, the part that wanted to punch and punch long after punching had already achieved its effect. There was a joy to it. He called it the beast. It stayed hidden until you needed it and then, when you needed it, out it came. Pain brought it out, and fear. He'd killed werewolves with his bare hands, mad with anger and terror and tasting, deep inside, the blood of the beast.. . and it was sniffing the air. '

'ullo, Mister Vimes, haha. I was wondering when you'd wake up.' He sat up sharply. The cells were barred on the corridor side, but also between cells as well, on the basis that those caged ought to know they were in a cage. And in the next cell, lying with his hands behind his head, was Carcer. 'Go on,' said Carcer cheerfully. 'Make a grab for me through the bars, eh? Want to see how long it takes before the guards arrive?'

'At least they got you too,' said Vimes. 'Not for long, not for long. I smell of roses, me, haha. Visitor to the city, got lost, very helpful to the Watch, so sorry to have bothered them, here's a little something for their trouble . . . You shouldn't of stopped the Watch taking bribes, Mister Vimes. It means an easier life all round, haha.'

'Then I'll nail you some other way, Carcer.' Carcer inserted a finger in his nose, wiggled it around, withdrew it, inspected its contents critically and flicked them towards the ceiling. 'Well, that's where it all goes runny, Mister Vimes. You see, I wasn't dragged in by four coppers. I didn't go around assaulting watchmen, or trying to break into the University 'I was knocking on the door!'

'I believe you, Mister Vimes. But you know what coppers are like. You look at 'em in a funny way, and the buggers'll fit you up for every crime in the book. Terrible, what they can pin on an honest man, haha.' Vimes knew it. 'So you got some money,' he said. 'O'course, Mister Vimes. I'm a crook. And the best part is, it's even easier to be a crook when no one knows you're a crook, haha. But coppering depends on people believing you're a copper. A turn-up for the books, eh? You know we're back in the good old days, haha?'

'It seems that way,' Vimes admitted. He didn't like talking to Carcer, but right now he seemed to be the only real person around. 'Where did you land, if I may ask?'

'In the Shades.'

'Me too. Couple of blokes tried to mug me where I lay. Me! I ask you, Mister Vimes! Still, they had some money on them, so that worked out all right. Yes, I think I'm going to be very happy here. Ah, here comes one of our brave lads . . .' A watchman walked along the passage, swinging his keys. He was elderly, the kind of copper who gets given the jobs where swinging keys is more likely than swinging a truncheon, and his most distinguishing feature was a nose twice the width and half the length of the average nose. He stared at Vimes for a moment, and then passed on to Carcer's cell. He unlocked the door. 'You. Hop it,' he said. 'Yessir. Thank you, sir,' said Carcer, hurrying out. He pointed to Vimes. 'You wanna watch that one, sir. He's an animal. Decent people shouldn't be locked up in the same cells, sir.'

'Hop it, I said.'

'Hopping it, sir. Thank you, sir.' And Carcer, with a leery wink at Vimes, hopped it. The jailer turned to Vimes. 'And what's your name, hnah, mister?'

'John Keel,' said Vimes. 'Yeah?'

'Yeah, and I've had my kicking. Fair's fair. I'd like to go now.'