Night Watch (Discworld 29)

'You must know there's another little problem if I'm going to be Sergeant Keel. I've remembered what day this is. And I know what's going to happen.'

'Yes,' said Sweeper. 'I know, too. Shall we talk about that?' Captain Tilden blinked. 'What happened there?' he said. 'Where?' said Vimes, trying to fight down nausea. Time coming back had left him with a horrible sensation that he was really two people and neither of them was feeling at all well. 'You blurred, man.'

'Perhaps I'm a bit tired of this,' said Vimes, pulling himselves together. 'Listen, captain, I am John Keel. I can prove it, okay? Ask me some questions. You've got my papers there, haven't you? They were stolen!' Tilden hesitated for a moment. He was a man whose mind was ponderous enough to have momentum; it was quite hard for his thoughts to change direction. 'Who is Commander of the Pseudopolis Watch, then?' he said. 'Sheriff Macklewheel,' said Vimes. 'Aha! Wrong! Fallen at the very first fence, what? In fact, you fool, it's Sheriff Pearlie-'

'Hnah, excuse me, sir . . .' said Snouty nervously. 'Yes? What?'

'Hnah, it is Macklewheet, sir. Pearlie died last week. Heard it in the, hnah, pub.'

'Fell into the river when drunk,' said Vimes helpfully. 'That's what I heard, hnah, sir,' said Snouty. Tilden looked furious. 'You could've known that, what?' he said. 'It doesn't prove anything!'

'Ask me something else, then,' said Vimes. 'Ask me what Macklewheet said about me.' And I just hope I've got the answers right. 'Well?'

'Said I was the best officer on his force and he was sorry to see me go,' said Vimes. 'Said I was of good character. Said he wished he could pay me the twenty-five dollars a month I was going to get here-'

'I never offered you-'

'No, you offered me twenty dollars and now that I've seen the mess here I'm not taking it!' Vimes rejoiced. Tilden hadn't even learned how to control a conversation. 'If you pay Knock twenty dollars he owes you nineteen dollars change! The man couldn't talk and chew gum at the same time. And look at this, will you?' Vimes dumped his handcuffs on the desk. The gaze of Snouty and Tilden swung to them as if magnetic. Oh dear, thought Vimes, and stood up and lifted the crossbow out of Snouty's hands. It was all in the movement. If you moved with authority, you got a second or two extra. Authority was everything. He fired the bow at the floor, then handed it back. 'A kid could open those cuffs and while Snouty here keeps a very clean jail he's completely drawers at being a guard,' said Vimes. This place needs shaking up.' He leaned forward, knuckles on the captain's desk, with his face a few inches from the trembling moustache and the milky eyes. 'Twenty-five dollars or I walk out that door,' he said. It was probably a phrase never ever said before by any prisoner anywhere on any world. 'Twenty-five dollars,' murmured Tilden, hypnotized. 'And the rank will be sergeant-at-arms,' said Vimes. 'Not sergeant. I'm not going to be given orders by the likes of Knock.'

'Sergeant-at-arms,' said Tilden distantly, but Vimes saw the hint of approval. It was a good military-sounding title, and it was still on the books. In fact it was a pretty ancient pre-coppering term, back in the days when a court employed a big man with a stick to drag miscreants in front of it. Vimes had always admired the simplicity of that arrangement. 'Well, er, Sheriff Macklewheet, er, certainly gave you a most glowing reference,' said the captain, shuffling the papers. 'Very glowing. Things have been a little difficult since we lost Sergeant Wi-'

'And I'll be paid my first month in advance, please. I need clothes and a decent meal and somewhere to sleep.' Tilden cleared his throat. 'Many of the unmarried men stay in the barracks in Cheapside-'

'Not me,' said Vimes. 'I'll be lodging with Doctor Lawn in Twinkle Street.' Well, Rosie Palm did suggest he had a spare room ... 'The pox hnah doctor?' said Snouty. 'Yeah, I'm particular about the company I keep,' said Vimes. 'It's also just around the corner.' He took his hands off the desk, stood back and whipped off a salute of almost parodic efficiency, the sort that Tilden had always loved. 'I'll report for duty at three o'clock tomo- this afternoon, sir,' he said. Thank you, sir.'

Tilden sat mesmerized. 'It was twenty-five dollars, sir, I believe,' said Vimes, still maintaining the salute. He watched the captain get up and go to the old green safe in the corner. The man was careful not to let Vimes see him turn the dial, but Vimes was pretty certain he didn't need to. The safe had still been there when he made captain, and by then everyone knew the combination was 4-4-7-8 and that no one seemed to know how to change it. The only things worth keeping in it had been the tea and sugar and anything you particularly wanted Nobby to read. Tilden came back with a small leather bag and slowly counted out the money, and was so cowed that he didn't ask Vimes to sign anything. Vimes took it, saluted again, and held out his other hand.ƒ 'Badge, sir,' he said. 'Ah? Oh, yes, of course . . .' The captain, entirely unnerved, fumbled in the top drawer of the desk and pulled out a dull copper shield. If he'd been that observant, he'd have noticed how hungrily Vimes's eyes watched it. The new sergeant-at-arms picked up his badge with care and saluted yet again. 'Oath, sir,' he said. 'Oh, er, that thing? Er, I believe I've got it written down somewh-' Vimes took a deep breath. This probably wasn't a good idea, but he was flying now. 'I comma square bracket recruit's name square bracket comma do solemnly swear by square bracket recruit's deity of choice square bracket to uphold the Laws and Ordinances of the city of Ankh-Morpork comma serve the public truƒt comma and defend the ƒubjects of His ƒtroke Her bracket delete whichever is inappropriate bracket Majeƒty bracket name of reigning monarch bracket without fear comma favour comma or thought of perƒonal ƒafety semi-colon to purƒue evildoers and protect the innocent comma laying down my life if neceƒsary in the cauƒe of said duty comma so help me bracket aforeƒaid deity bracket full stop Gods Save the King stroke Queen bracket delete whichever is inappropriate bracket full stop.'

'My word, well done,' said Tilden. 'You have come well prepared, sergeant.'

'And now it's the King's Shilling, sir,' said Vimes insistently, soaring on wings of audacity. 'What?'

'I have to take the King's Shilling, sir.'

'Er . . . do we have a-'

'It's, hnah, in the bottom drawer, sir,' said Snouty helpfully. 'On the bit of string.'

'Oh yes,' said Tilden, beaming. 'It's a long time since we used that, what?'

'Is it?' said Vimes. After some rummaging, Tilden produced the coin. It was a genuine old shilling, probably worth half a dollar now just for its silver and thus, coppers being coppers, it had always been dropped into the new copper's hand and then tugged away before it was pinched. Vimes had taken the oath once. He wondered if taking it twice cancelled it out. But it needed to be done and you had at least to touch the Shilling. He felt the weight in his palm and took a small shameful pleasure in closing his fingers on it before the captain had time to drag it back. Then, point made, he released the grip. With a final salute he turned, and tapped Snouty on the shoulder. 'With the captain's permission, I'd like a chat with you outside, please.' And Vimes strode out. Snouty looked at Tilden, who was still sitting as though hypnotized, the Shilling dangling from his fist. The captain managed to say, 'Good man, that. Ver' good . . . got backbone 'Hnah, I'll just go an' see what he wants, sir,' said Snouty, and scuttled out. He had reached the end of the corridor when a hand came out of the shadows and pulled him close. 'You're a useful man to know, Snouty,' hissed Vimes. 'I can tell.'

'Yessir,' said Snouty, held half on tiptoe. 'You've got your ear to the ground, eh?'

'Yessir!'

'There's someone in every nick who knows all that's going on and can lay his hands on just about anything, Snouty, and I think you are that man.'

'Hnah, yessir!'

'Then listen here,' said Vimes. 'Size eight boots, size seven -and-a- quarter helmet, a good leather cape. The boots should be a good make but second-hand. Got that?'

'Second-hand?'

'Yes. Soles pretty nearly worn through.'

'Soles pretty nearly worn through, hnah, check,' said Snouty.

'Breastplate not to have any rust on it but a few dents will be okay. A good sword, Snouty, and believe me I know a good sword when I hold one. As for all the rest of the stuff, well, I know a man like you can get hold of the very best and have it delivered to Dr Lawn's place in Twinkle Street by ten this morning. And there'll be something in it for you, Snouty.'