The Wee Free Men (Discworld 30)

Rob Anybody threw off his yellow hat and drew his sword.

“Ach, weel, we tried,” he said. “This wee beastie’s gonna get the worst belly ache there ever wuz!”

“Aye, we’ll cut oour way out!” shouted Daft Wullie.

“No, keep rowing!” said Tiffany.

“It’s ne’er be said that the Nac Mac Feegle turned their back on a foe!” Rob yelled.

“But you’re rowing facing backward!” Tiffany pointed out.

The pictsie looked crestfallen. “Oh, aye, I hadna thought o’ it like that,” he said, sitting down again.

“Just row!” Tiffany insisted. “We’re nearly at the lighthouse!”

Grumbling, because even if they were facing the right way, they were still going the wrong way, the pictsies hauled on the oars.

“That’s a great big heid he’s got there, ye ken,” said Rob Anybody. “How big would you say that heid is, gonnagle?”

“Ach, I’d say it’s verrra big, Rob,” said William, who was with the team on the other oar. “Indeed, I might commit myself to sayin’ it’s enorrrrmous.”

“Ye’d go as far as that, would ye?”

“Oh, aye. Enorrrrmous is fully justified.”

It’s nearly on us, Tiffany thought.

This has got to work. It’s my dream. Any moment. Any moment now…

“An’ how near us would you say it is, then?” asked Rob conversationally, as the boat wallowed and jerked just ahead of the whale.

“That’s a verrra good question, Rob,” said William. “And I’d answer it by sayin’ it’s verrra close indeed.”

Any moment now, thought Tiffany. I know Miss Tick said you shouldn’t believe in your dreams, but she meant you shouldn’t just hope.

Er…any moment now, I…hope. He’s never missed….

“In fact I’d go so farrr as to say exceedingly close—” William began.

Tiffany swallowed and hoped that the whale wouldn’t. There was only about thirty yards of water between the teeth and the boat.

And then it was filled with a wooden wall that blurred as it went past, making a zipzipzip noise.

Tiffany looked up, her mouth open. White sails flashed across the storm clouds, pouring rain like waterfalls. She looked up at rigging and ropes and sailors lined up on the spars, and cheered.

And then the stern of the Jolly Sailor’s ship was disappearing into the rain and mist, but not before Tiffany saw the big bearded figure at the wheel, dressed in yellow oilskins. He turned and waved just once, before the ship vanished into the murk.

She managed to stand up again, as the boat rocked in the swell, and yelled at the towering whale: “You’ve got to chase him! That’s how it has to work! You chase him, he chases you! Granny Aching said so! You can’t not do it and still be the whale fish! This is my dream! My rules! I’ve had more practice at it than you!”

“Big fishy!” yelled Wentworth.

That was more surprising than the whale. Tiffany stared at her little brother as the boat rocked again.

“Big fishy!” said Wentworth again.

“That’s right!” Tiffany said, delighted. “Big fishy! And what makes it particularly interesting is that a whale isn’t a fish! It is in fact a mammal, just like a cow!”

Did you just say that? said her Second Thoughts, as all the pictsies stared at her and the boat spun in the surf. The first time he’s ever said anything that wasn’t about sweeties or weewee and you just corrected him?