Monstrous Regiment (Discworld 31)

"Then we'll sneak up and wait," said Maladict. "Look, they've dismounted. The cart's pulled in, too. If they look as though they're worried, we'll move in."

"And do what, exactly?" said Polly.

"Threaten to shoot them," said Maladict firmly.

"And if they don't believe us?"

"Then we'll threaten to shoot them in a much louder voice," said Maladict. "Happy? And I hope to hell they've got some coffee!"

There are three things a soldier wants to do when there's a respite on the road. One involves lighting a cigarette, one involves lighting a fire, and the other one involves no flames at all but does, generally, require a tree.6

The two troopers had a fire going and a billy-can steaming when a young man jumped down from the cart, stretched his arms, looked around, yawned, and sauntered a little way into the forest. He found a convenient tree and, a moment later, was apparently examining the bark at eye height with studied enthusiasm.

The tip of a steel crossbow bolt pressed against the back of his neck and a voice said: "Raise your hands and turn around slowly!"

"What, right now?"

"Um... all right, no. You can finish what you're doing."

"Actually I think that's going to be quite impossible. Let me just, er... right. Okay." The man raised his hands again. "You realize I just have to shout?"

"So?" said Polly. "I just have to pull this trigger. Shall we have a race?"

The man turned round.

"See?" said Polly, stepping back. "It's him again. De Worde. The writer man."

"You're them!" he said.

"Dem who?" said Jade.

"Oh dear," said Maladict.

"Look, I'd give anything to talk to you!" said de Worde. "Please?"

"You're with the enemy!" hissed Polly.

"What? Them? No! They're from Lord Rust's regiment. From Ankh-Morpork! They've been sent to protect us!"

"Troops to protect you in Borogravia?" said Maladict. "Who from?"

"You mean from whom? Er... well... you, in theory."

Jade leaned down. "Efficient, aren't dey..."

"Look, I must talk to you," said the man urgently. "This is astounding! Everyone's looking for you! Did you kill that old couple in the woods?"

Birds sang. Far off, there was the call of the female blue-capped woodpecker. ;Fine. I just thought that you'd like to know someone saw you. And you'd better get that tea to 'em before they try to kill one another."

At least I was someone watching the enemy, Polly thought furiously as she walked away. I wasn't someone watching another soldier. Who does he think he is? Or she is?

She heard the raised voices as she pushed through a thicket.

"You can't torture an unarmed man!" That was Blouse's voice.

"Well, I'm not waiting for him to arm himself, sir! He knows stuff! And he's a spy!"

"Don't you dare kick him in the ribs again! That is an order, sergeant!"