Monstrous Regiment (Discworld 31)

"No," said Blouse coldly.

"You really don't know?" Now Towering was laughing. He was far too relaxed for a bound man, and Blouse sounded far too much like a nice but worried man trying to appear firm and determined. To Polly, it was like watching a child bluffing in poker against a man called Doc.

"I don't wish to play games, man. Out with it!" said Blouse.

"Everyone knows about you, lieutenant. You're the Monstrous Regiment, you are!" he said. "No offence meant, of course. They say you've got a troll and a vampire and an Igor and a werewolf. They say you..." he began to chuckle "...they say you overpowered Prince Heinrich and his guard and stole his boots and made him hop away in the altogether!"

In a thicket some way off, a nightingale sang. For quite a while, uninterrupted. Then Blouse said, "Hah, no, you are in fact wrong. The man was Captain Horentz - "

"Yeah, right, like he'd tell you who he was with you pointing swords at him!" said Towering. "I heard from one of my mates that one of you kicked him in the meat-and-two-veg, but I haven't seen the picture yet."

"Someone took a picture of him getting kicked?" squeaked Polly, drenched in a sudden horror.

"Not of that, no. But there's copies all over the place of him in chains and I hear it's been sent by the clacks to Ankh-Morpork."

"Is... is he annoyed?" Polly quavered, cursing Otto Chriek and his picture-making.

"Well, now, let me see," said Towering sarcastically. "Annoyed? No, I shouldn't think he's annoyed. 'Livid' is the word, I think. Or 'raging'? Yeah, I think 'raging' is the word. There's a lot of people looking for you lads now. Well done!"

Even Blouse could see Polly's distress. "Er... Perks," he said, "it was you, wasn't it, who - "

Over and over in Polly's head the words ogodIkickedthePrinceinthefruitandveg were going round and round like a hamster in a runaway treadmill until, suddenly, it ran up against something solid.

"Yessir," she snapped. "He was forcing himself upon a young woman, sir. If you recall?"

Blouse's frown faded, and became a grin of childlike duplicity. "Ah, yes, indeed. He was 'pressing his suit' in no small way, was he not?"

"He didn't have ironing in mind, sir!" said Polly fervently.

Towering glanced at Wazzer, grimly clutching a crossbow that Polly knew for a fact she was scared of, and Igorina, who'd much rather be holding a surgeon's knife than the sabre in her hand and looked worried sick. Polly saw his brief smile.

"And there you have it, Sergeant Towering," said the lieutenant, turning to the prisoner. "Of course, we all know there is some atrocious behaviour in times of war, but it is not the sort of thing we would expect of a royal prince.5 If we are to be pursued because a gallant young soldier prevented matters from becoming even more disgusting, then so be it."

"Now I am impressed," said Towering. "A real knight errant, eh? He's a credit to you, lieutenant. Any chance of that tea?"

Blouse's skinny chest visibly swelled at the compliment. "Yes, Perks, the tea, if you would be so good."

Leaving the three of you with this man who's positively radiating an intention to escape, Polly thought. "Could perhaps Private Goom go and fetch - " she began.

"A word in private, Perks?" snapped Blouse. He drew her closer, but Polly kept her eye on Sergeant Towering. He might be bound hand and foot, but she wouldn't have trusted a man who grinned like that if he'd been nailed to the ceiling.

"Perks, you are making a great contribution but I really will not have my orders continually questioned," said Blouse. "You are my batman, after all. I think I run a 'happy ship' here, but I will be obeyed. Please?"

It was like being savaged by a goldfish, but she had to admit he had a point. "Er... sorry, sir," she said, backing away as long as possible so as not to miss the end of the tragedy. Then she turned and ran.

Jackrum was sitting by the fire, with the prisoner's bow across his huge knees, slicing some sort of black sausage with a big clasp-knife. He was chewing.

"Where's the rest of us, sir?" said Polly, scrabbling for a mug.

"I sent 'em to scout a wide perimeter, Perks. Can't be too careful if matey-boy's got pals out there."

...which was perfectly sensible. It just happened to mean that half the squad had been sent away...

"Sarge, you know that captain back at the barracks? That was - "

"I've got good hearing, Perks. Kicked him in the Royal Prerogative, eh? Hah! Makes it all more interestin', eh?"

"It's going to go wrong, sarge, I just know it," said Polly, dragging the kettle off the hob and spilling half the water as she topped up the teapot.