Monstrous Regiment (Discworld 31)

The party was travelling at the speed of the cart and, at this point, the two riders in the lead stopped and turned in their saddles, waiting for it to catch up. Then one of them pointed, back past the hidden watchers. There was a shout, too far away to be understood. The troopers in the rear trotted up to the cart, met with their comrades, and all four turned to look up. There was some discussion, and two riders trotted back along the road.

"Oh, darn," said Polly. "What have they spotted?"

The horsemen went past their hiding place. A few moments later, they heard the horses enter the woods.

"Do we run an' get 'em?" said Jade.

"Let Jackrum do that," said Maladict.

"But if he does, and the men don't come back - " Polly began.

"When they don't come back," Maladict corrected her.

" - then those other two will get suspicious, won't they? One will probably stay here, the other will go to get help."

"Then we'll sneak up and wait," said Maladict. "Look, they've dismounted. The cart's pulled in, too. If they look as though they're worried, we'll move in."

"And do what, exactly?" said Polly.

"Threaten to shoot them," said Maladict firmly.

"And if they don't believe us?"

"Then we'll threaten to shoot them in a much louder voice," said Maladict. "Happy? And I hope to hell they've got some coffee!"

There are three things a soldier wants to do when there's a respite on the road. One involves lighting a cigarette, one involves lighting a fire, and the other one involves no flames at all but does, generally, require a tree.6

The two troopers had a fire going and a billy-can steaming when a young man jumped down from the cart, stretched his arms, looked around, yawned, and sauntered a little way into the forest. He found a convenient tree and, a moment later, was apparently examining the bark at eye height with studied enthusiasm.

The tip of a steel crossbow bolt pressed against the back of his neck and a voice said: "Raise your hands and turn around slowly!"

"What, right now?"

"Um... all right, no. You can finish what you're doing."

"Actually I think that's going to be quite impossible. Let me just, er... right. Okay." The man raised his hands again. "You realize I just have to shout?"

"So?" said Polly. "I just have to pull this trigger. Shall we have a race?"

The man turned round.

"See?" said Polly, stepping back. "It's him again. De Worde. The writer man."

"You're them!" he said.

"Dem who?" said Jade.

"Oh dear," said Maladict.

"Look, I'd give anything to talk to you!" said de Worde. "Please?"

"You're with the enemy!" hissed Polly.

"What? Them? No! They're from Lord Rust's regiment. From Ankh-Morpork! They've been sent to protect us!"

"Troops to protect you in Borogravia?" said Maladict. "Who from?"

"You mean from whom? Er... well... you, in theory."