Monstrous Regiment (Discworld 31)

"Yup. I wouldn't trust you to shave cheese."

The squad stared. Jackrum opened his big knife and examined the chewing tobacco as though it was the most interesting thing present.

"So... er... what are you going to do about it?" said Polly, feeling derailed.

"Dunno. Can't do anything, can I? You were born like it."

"You didn't tell Blouse!" said Polly.

"Nope."

Polly wanted to knock the wretched tobacco out of the sergeant's hand. Now that she had got over the surprise, there was something offensive about this lack of reaction. It was like someone opening a door just before your battering ram hit it; suddenly you were running through the building and not certain how to stop.

"Well, we're all women, sarge," said Tonker. "How about that?"

Jackrum sawed at the tobacco.

"So?" he said, still paying attention to the job in hand.

"What?" said Polly.

"Think no one else ever tried it? Think you're the only ones? Think your ol' sarge is deaf, blind and stupid? You could fool one another and anyone can fool a rupert, but you can't fool Jackrum. Weren't sure about Maladict and still ain't, because with a vampire, who knows? And not sure about you, Carborundum, because with a troll, who cares? No offence."

"None taken," rumbled Jade. She caught Polly's eye and shrugged.

"Not so good at reading the signs, not knowing many trolls," said the sergeant. "I had you down pat in the first minute, Ozz. Something in the eyes, I reckon. Like... you were watching to see how good you were."

Oh hell, Polly thought. "Er... do I have a pair of socks belonging to you?"

"Yep. Well washed, I might add."

"You'll have them back right now!" said Polly, grabbing for her belt.

"In your own time, Perks, in your own time, no rush," said Jackrum, raising a hand. "Well washed, please."

"Why, sarge?" said Tonker. "Why didn't you give us away? You could've given us away any time!"

Jackrum slewed his wad from cheek to cheek and sat chewing for a while, staring at nothing.

"No, you ain't the first," he said. "I've seen a few. Mostly by themselves, always frightened... and mostly they didn't last long. But one or two of them were bonny soldiers, very bonny soldiers indeed. So I looked at you lot and I thought to myself, well now, I thought, I wonder how they'll do when they find out they're not alone? You know about lions?" They nodded. "Well, the lion is a big ol' coward, mostly. If you want trouble, you want to tangle with the lioness. They're killers, and they hunt together. It's the same everywhere. If you want big grief, look to the ladies. Even with insects, right? There's a kind of beetle where she bites his head off right while he's exercisin' his conjugals, and that's what I call serious grief. On the other hand, from what I heard, he carries on regardless, so maybe it's not the same for beetles."

He looked around at their blank expressions.

"No?" he said. "Well, maybe I thought, a whole bunch of girls all at once, that's... strange. Maybe there's a reason." Polly saw him glance briefly at Wazzer. "Anyway, I wasn't goin' to shame you all in front of a little toad like Strappi, and then there was all that business in Plotz, and then, well, we was gallopin', as it were, caught up in things with no time to get off. You did well, lads. Very well. Shaped up like good 'uns."

"I'm going into the Keep," said Polly.

"Oh, don't worry about the rupert," said Jackrum. "Probably he's enjoying a nice bowl of scubbo right now. He went to a school for young gentlemen, so prison will be just like old times."

"We're still going, sarge. Sorry," said Polly.

"Oh, don't say sorry, Perks, you were doing well up 'til then," said Jackrum bitterly.

Shufti stood up. "I'm going too," she said. "I think my... fianc¨¦ is in there."

"I have to go," said Wazzer. "The Duchess guides my steps."

"I'll go, then," said Igorina. "I'm probably going to be needed."