Monstrous Regiment (Discworld 31)

"All right, all right, stop lollygagging, you lot!" shouted Strappi, marching up.

"Corporal?" said the sergeant quietly, hauling himself back onto the cart. Strappi paused, and then in a voice dripping with syrup and sarcasm went on: "Excuse me. The sergeant and myself would be obleejed if you brave heroes to be would join us in a little light marching? Jolly good! And there will be embroidery later on. Best foot forward, ladies!"

Polly heard Tonker gasp. Strappi turned, eyes glinting with sinister anticipation. "Oh, someone doesn't like being called a lady, eh?" he said. "Dear me, Private Halter, you've got a lot to learn, haven't you? You're a sissy little lady until we make a man of you, right? And I dread to think how long that's going to take. Move!"

I know, thought Polly, as they set off. It takes about ten seconds, and a pair of socks. One sock, and you could make Strappi.

Plotz turned out to be like Pl¨¹n, but it was worse because it was bigger. The rain started again as they marched into the cobbled square. It looked as though it always rained here. The buildings were grey, and mud-spattered near the ground. Roof gutters overflowed, pouring rain onto the cobbles and sending a spray over the recruits. There was no one about. Polly saw open doors banging in the wind, and bits of debris in the streets, and remembered the lines of hurrying people on the road. There was no one here.

Sergeant Jackrum climbed down from the cart as Strappi bawled them into line. Then the sergeant took over, leaving the corporal to glower from the sidelines.

"This is wonderful Plotz!" he said. "Have a look round, so that if you is killed and goes to hell, it won't come as a shock! You'll be bivvying in that barracks over there, what is milit'ry property!" He waved a hand towards a crumbling stone building that looked about as military as a barn. "You will be issued with your equipment. And tomorrow it's a nice long march to Crotz, where you will arrive as boys and leave as men did I just say something funny, Perks? No, I thought so, too! Attention! That means stand up straight!"

"That's straight!" yelled Strappi.

A young man was riding across the square on a tired, skinny brown horse, which was quite suitable because he was a tired, skinny man. The skinniness was helped by the fact that he wore a tunic which had clearly been made for someone a couple of sizes larger. The same applied to his helmet. He must have padded it, Polly thought. One cough and it'll be over his eyes.

Sergeant Jackrum snapped off a salute as the officer approached. "Jackrum, sir. You'll be Lieutenant Blouse, sir?"

"Well done, sergeant."

"These are the recruits from upriver, sir. Fine body of men, sir."

The rider peered at the squad. He actually leaned forward over the horse's neck, causing rain to pour off his helmet.

"This is all, sergeant?"

"Yessir."

"Most of them look very young," said the lieutenant, who didn't look very old.

"Yessir."

"And isn't that one a troll?"

"Yessir. Well spotted, sir."

"And the one with stitches all round his head?"

"He's an Igor, sir. Sort of like a special clan up in the mountains, sir."

"Do they fight?"

"Can take a man apart very quickly, sir, as I understand it," said Jackrum, his expression not changing.

The young lieutenant sighed. "Well, I'm sure they're all good fellows," he said. "Now then, er... men, I - "

"Pay attention and listen to what the lieutenant has to say!" bawled Strappi.

The lieutenant shuddered. " - thank you, corporal," he said. "Men, I have good news," he added, but in the voice of one who hasn't. "You were probably expecting a week or two in the training camp in Crotz, yes? But I'm glad to be able to tell you that the... the war is progressing so... so... so well that you are to go directly to the front."

Polly heard one or two gasps, and a snigger from Corporal Strappi.

"All of you are to go to the lines," said the lieutenant. "That includes you too, corporal. Your time for action has come at last!"

The snigger stopped. "Sorry, sir?" said Strappi. "The front? But you know that I'm - well, you know about the special duties - "

"My orders said all able-bodied men, corporal," said Blouse. "I expect that you'll be itching for the fray after all these years, eh, a young man like you?"