Thud! (Discworld 34)

"I hear them mentioning his name in their lingo, yes, sir, but there"s more to it, I"ll swear. I mean, they looked really uneasy, sir. It"s something important, sir, I can feel it in my water."

Vimes considered the admissibility of Fred Colon"s water as Exhibit A. It wasn"t something you"d want to wave around in a court of law, but the gut feeling of an ancient street monster like Fred counted for a lot, one copper to another.

He said, "Where"s Carrot?

"Off, Sir. He pulled the swing shift and the morning shift down at Treacle Mine Road. Everyone"s doin" double shifts, sir," Fred Colon added reproachfully.

"Sorry, Fred, you know how it is. Look, I"ll get him on it when he comes in. He"s a dwarf, he"ll hear the buzz."

"I think he might be just a wee bit too tall to hear this buzz, sir," said Colon, in an odd voice.

Vimes put his head on one side.

"What makes you say that, Fred?"

Fred Colon shook his head. "Just a feeling, sir," he said. He added, in a voice tinged with reminiscence and despair: "It was better when there was just you and me and Nobby and the lad Carrot, eh? We all knew who was who in the old days. We knew what one another was thinking . .

"Yes, we were thinking "I wish the odds were on our side, just for once", Fred," said Vimes. "Look, I know this is getting us all down, right? But I need you senior officers to tough it out, okay? How do you like your new office?"

Colon brightened up. "Very nice, sir. Shame about the door, o course.

Finding a niche for Fred Colon had been a problem. To look at him, you"d see a man who might well, if he fell over a cliff, have to stop and ask directions on the way down. You had to know Fred Colon. The newer coppers didn"t. They just saw a cowardly, stupid fat man, which, to tell the truth, was pretty much what was there. But it wasn"t all that was there.

Fred had looked retirement in the face, and didn"t want any. Vimes had got around the problem by giving him the post of Custody Officer, to the amusement of all, [1] and an office in the Watch Training School across the alley, which was much better known as, and probably would for ever be known as, the old lemonade factory. Vimes had thrown in the job of Watch Liaison Officer, because it sounded good and no one knew what it meant. He"d also given him Corporal Nobbs, who was another awkward dinosaur in today"s Watch.

It was working, too. Nobby and Colon had a street-level knowledge of the city that rivalled Vimes"s own. They ambled about,

[1] As in "Ol" Fred thought he said custard officer and volunteered!" Since this is an example of office humour, it doesn"t actually have to be funny.

apparently aimless and completely unthreatening, and they watched and they listened to the urban equivalent of the jungle drums. And sometimes the drums came to them. Once, Fred"s sweaty little office had been the place where bare-armed ladies had mixed up great batches of Sarsaparilla and Raspberry Lava and Ginger Pop. Now the kettle was always on and it was open house for all his old mates, ex-watchmen and old cons - sometimes the same individual - and Vimes happily signed the bill for the doughnuts consumed when they dropped by to get out from under their wives" feet. It was worth it. Old coppers kept their eyes open, and gossiped like washerwomen.

In theory, the only problem in Fred"s life now was his door.

"The Historians" Guild say we"ve got to preserve as much of the old fabric as possible, Fred," said Vimes.

"I know that, sir, but ... well, "The Twaddle Room" sir? I mean, really!"

"Nice brass plate, though, Fred," said Vimes. "It"s what they called the basic soft-drink syrup, I"m told. Important historical fact. You could stick a piece of paper over the top of it."

"We do that, sir, but the lads pull it off and snigger."

Vimes sighed. "Sort it out, Fred. If an old sergeant can"t sort out that kind of thing, the world has become a very strange place. Is that all?"

"Well, yes, sir, really. But-"

"C"mon, Fred. It"s going to be a busy day."

"Have you heard of Mr Shine, sir?"

"Do you clean stubborn surfaces with it?" said Vimes.

"Er ... what, sir?" said Fred. No one did perplexed better than

Fred Colon. Vimes felt ashamed of himself.

"Sorry, Fred. No, I haven"t heard of Mr Shine. Why?"

"Oh ... nothing, really. "Mr Shine, him Diamond!" Seen it on