Thud! (Discworld 34)

"Then I shall tell them we"re not involved," said Sybil calmly. "That won"t work!"

"Then it won"t work in Ankh-Morpork either," said Sybil, with the air of a player cunningly knocking out four dwarfs in one go. "Sam, you know you"re going to lose this. There"s no point in arguing. Besides, I speak dwarfish. We"ll take Young Sam, too."

"No!"

"So that"s all sorted, then," said Sybil, apparently struck by sudden deafness. "If you want to catch up with the dwarfs, I suggest we leave as soon as possible."

Sir Reynold turned to her with his mouth open. "But, Lady Sybil, armies are already massing there. It"s no place for a lady!"

Vimes winced. Sybil had made up her mind. This was going to be like watching that dwarf being flamed by dragons all over again.

Lady Sybil"s bosom, which she was allowed to have, grew as she took a deep breath; it seemed to lift her slightly off the ground.

"Sir Reynold," she said, with a side order of ice, "in the Year of the Lice my great-grandmother once cooked, personally, a full dinner for eighteen in a military redoubt that was entirely surrounded by bloodthirsty Klatchians, and she felt able to include sorbet and nuts. My grandmother, in the Year of the Quiet Monkey, defended our embassy in Pseudopolis against a mob, with no assistance but that offered by a gardener, a trained parrot and a pan of hot chip fat. My late aunt, when our coach was once held up at bow-point by two desperate highwaymen, gave them such a talking to that they actually ran away crying for their mothers, Sir Reynold, their mothers. We are no strangers to danger, Sir Reynold. May I also remind you that quite probably half the dwarfs who fought at Koom Valley were ladies? No one told them to stay at home!"

So that"s settled, then, thought Vimes. We- Damn!

"Captain," he said, "send someone to find that dwarf Grag Bashfullsson, will you? Tell him Commander Vimes presents his compliments and will indeed be leaving first thing in the morning."

"Er, right, sir. Will do," said Carrot.

How did he know I"d be going? Vimes wondered. I suppose it was inevitable. But he could have hung us out to dry if he"d said we"d mistreated that dwarf. And he"s one of Mr Shine"s pupils, I"ll bet on it. Good idea to keep an eye on him, perhaps ...

When did Lord Vetinari sleep? Presumably the man must get his head down at some point, Vimes reasoned. Everyone slept. Catnaps could get you by for a while, but sooner or later you need a solid eight hours, right?

It was almost midnight, and there was Vetinari at his desk, fresh as a daisy and chilly as morning dew.

"Are you sure about this, Vimes?"

"Carrot can look after things. They"ve quietened down, anyway. I think most of the serious troublemakers have headed for Koom Valley."

"A good reason, one might say, for you not to go. Vimes, I have ... agents for this sort of thing."

"But you wanted me to hunt them down, sir!" Vimes protested. "In Koom Valley? At this time? Taking a force there now could have far-reaching consequences, Vimes!"

"Good! You told me to drag them into the light! As far as they"re concerned, I am far-reaching consequences!"

"Well, certainly" said Vetinari, after staring at Vimes for longer than was comfortable. "And when you have boldly reached so far, you will need friends. I shall make sure the Low King is at least aware of your presence."

"Don"t worry, he"ll find out soon enough," growled Vimes. "Oh yes.

"I have no doubt he will. He has his agents in our city, just as I have in his. So I will do him the courtesy of telling him formally what he will in any case know. That is called politics, Vimes. It is a thing we try to do in the government."

"But ... spies? I thought we were chums with the Low King!" "Of course we are," said Vetinari. "And the more we know about each other, the friendlier we shall remain. We"d hardly bother to spy on our enemies. What would be the point? Is Lady Sybil happy to let you go?"

"She"s coming with me. She insists:

"Is that safe?"

"Is here safe?" said Vimes, shrugging. "We had dwarfs coming up through the damn floor! Don"t worry, she and Young Sam will be kept out of harm"s way. I"ll take Fred and Nobby. And I want to take Angua, Sally, Detritus and Cheery, too. Multi-species, sir. That always helps the politics:

"And the Summoning Dark? What about that, Vimes? Oh, don"t look at me like that. It"s common talk among the dwarfs. One of the dying dwarfs put a curse on everyone who was in the mine, I"m told."

"I wouldn"t know about that, sir," said Vimes, resorting to the wooden expression that so often saw him through. "It"s mystic. We don"t do mystic in the Watch."

"It"s not a joke, Vimes. It"s very old magic, I understand. So old, indeed, that most dwarfs have forgotten that it is magic. And it"s powerful. It will be tracking them."

"I"ll just look out for a big floaty eye with a tail, then, shall I?" said Vimes. "That should make it easy."