Thud! (Discworld 34)

"Oh, it"ll help, sir, especially on the inclines. But horses can only go so fast for so long, sir, and once they"ve got the coach moving it"s a rolling weight and not so much of a problem."

"Thirteen miles an hour," Vimes mused. "Hmm. That"s pretty fast."

"Well, the mail coaches are making nine or ten miles an hour average on many runs now," said Carrot. "But the roads will be a lot worse when you get near Koom Valley."

"You don"t think it"ll take wing, do you?"

"I think the wizards would have said so if it was going to do something like that, sir. But it"s funny you should mention it, because there"s seven broomsticks nailed underneath each coach."

"What? Why don"t they just float out of the yard?"

"Magic, sir. I think they just compensate for the weight:

"Good grief, yes. Why didn"t I think of that?" said Vimes sourly. "And that"s why I don"t like magic, captain. "Cos it"s magic. You can"t ask questions, it"s magic. It doesn"t explain anything, it"s magic. You don"t know where it comes from, it"s magic! That"s what I don"t like about magic, it does everything by magic!"

"That"s the significant factor, sir, there"s no doubt about it," said Carrot. "I"ll just see to the last of the packing, if you"ll excuse me

Vimes glared at the coaches. He probably shouldn"t have brought in the wizards, but where was the choice? Oh, they could probably have sent Sam Vimes all that way in a puff of smoke and the blink of an eye, but who"d actually arrive there, and who"d come back? How would he know if it was him? He was certain that people were not supposed to disappear like that.

Sam Vimes had always been, by nature, a pedestrian. That"s why he was going to take Willikins as well, who knew how to drive. He"d also demonstrated to Vimes his ability to throw a common fish knife so hard that it was quite difficult to pull out of the wall. At times like this, Vimes liked to see a skill like that in a butler

"Scuse me, sir," said Detritus, behind him. "Could I have a word, pers"nal?"

"Yes. Of course," said Vimes.

"I, er, hope what I said yesterday inna cells wasn"t goin" too-" "Can"t remember a word of it," said Vimes.

Detritus looked relieved. "Thank you, sir. Er ... I want to take young Brick with us, sir. He"s got no kin here, doesn"t even know what clan he is. He"ll only get messed up again if I take my eye off"f him. An" he"s never seen der mountains. Never been outside der city, even!"

There was a pleading look in the troll"s eyes. Vimes recollected that his marriage to Ruby was happy but childless.

"Well, we don"t seem to have a weight problem," he said. "All right. But you"re to keep an eye on him, okay?"

The troll beamed. "Yessir! I"ll see you don"t regret it, sir!"

"Breakfast, Sam!" called Sybil, from the doorway. A nasty suspicion gripped Vimes, and he hurried over to the other coach, where Carrot was strapping on the last bag.

"Who packed the food? Did Sybil pack the food?" he said. "I think so, sir."

"Was there ... fruit?" said Vimes, probing the horror.

"I believe so, sir. Quite a lot. And vegetables."

"Some bacon, surely?" Vimes was nearly begging. "Very good for a

long journey, bacon. It travels well."

"I think it"s staying at home today," said Carrot. "I have to tell you, sir, that Lady Sybil has found out about the bacon sandwich arrangement. She said to tell you the game was up, sir."

"I am the commander around here, you know," said Vimes, with as much hauteur as he could muster on an empty stomach.

"Yes, sir. But Lady Sybil has a very quiet way of being firm, sir."

"She has, hasn"t she?" said Vimes as they strolled towards the building. "I"m a very lucky man, you know," he added, just in case Carrot might have got the wrong impression.

"Yes, sir. You are indeed."

"Captain!"