Thud! (Discworld 34)

"Didn"t have one. I was a musician."

Vimes brightened up. "Really? Some of the lads have been talking about setting up a Watch band."

"Could they use a cello?"

"Probably not."

Vimes drummed his fingers on the desk. Well, she hadn"t gone for his throat yet, had she? That was the problem, of course. Vampires were fine right up until the point where, suddenly, they weren"t. But, in truth, right now, he had to admit it: he needed anyone who could stand upright and finish a sentence. This damn business was taking its toll. He needed men out there all the time, just to keep the lid on things. Oh, right now it was just scuffles and stone-throwing and breaking windows and running away, but all that stuff added up, like snowflakes on an avalanche slope. People

needed to see coppers at a time like this. They gave the illusion that the whole world hadn"t gone insane.

And the Temperance League were pretty good and very supportive of their members. It was in the interests of them all that no one found themselves standing in a strange bedroom with an embarrassingly full feeling. They"d be watching her ...

"We"ve got no room for passengers in the Watch," he said. "We"re too pressed right now to give you any more than what is laughingly known as on-the-job training, but you"ll be on the streets from day one ... Er, how are you with the daylight thing?"

"I"m fine with long sleeves and a wide brim. I carry the kit, anyway.

Vimes nodded. A small dustpan and brush, a phial of animal blood and a card saying:

Help, I have crumbled and I can"t get up.

Please sweep me into a heap and crush vial.

I am a Black Ribboner and will not harm you.

Thanking you in advance.

His fingers rattled on the desktop again. She returned his stare.

"All right, you"re in," Vimes said at last. "On probation, to start with. Everyone starts that way. Sort out the paperwork with Sergeant Littlebottom downstairs, report to Sergeant Detritus for your gear and orientation lecture and try not to laugh. And now you"ve got what you want, and we"re not being official ... tell me why."

"Pardon?" said Sally.

"A vampire wanting to be a copper?" said Vimes, leaning back in his chair. "I can"t quite make that fit, "Sally"."

"I thought it would be an interesting job in the fresh air which would offer opportunities to help people, Commander Vimes."

"Hmm," said Vimes. "If you can say that without smiling you might make a copper after all. Welcome to the job, lance-constable. I hope you have-"

The door slammed. Captain Carrot took two steps into the room, saw Sally and hesitated.

"Lance- Constable von Humpeding has just joined us, captain," said Vimes.

"Er ... fine ... hello, miss," said Carrot quickly, and turned to Vimes. "Sir, someone"s killed Hamcrusher!"

Ankh-Morpork"s Finest strolled back down towards the Yard. "What I"d do, said Nobby, "is cut the painting up into little bits, like, oh, a few inches across?"

"That"s diamonds, Nobby. It"s how you get rid of stolen diamonds."

"All right, then, how about this one? You cut the muriel up into bits the size of ordinary paintings, okay? Then you paint a painting on the other side of each one, an" put "em in frames, an" leave "em around the place. No one will notice extra paintings, right? An" then you can go an" pinch "em when the fuss has died down."

"And how do you get them out, Nobby?"

"Well, first you get some glue, and a really long stick, and-" Fred Colon shook his head. "Can"t see it happening, Nobby."

"All right, then, you get some paint that"s the same colour as the

walls, and you glue the painting to the wall somewhere it"ll fit, and