Thud! (Discworld 34)

printing dwarfs would mention it to the editor."

"Are you telling me, captain, that dwarfs in the Watch would keep

a murder secret?"

Carrot looked shocked. "Oh no, sir!" "Good!

"They"d just keep it secret from humans. Sorry, sir.

The important thing is not to shout at this point, Vimes told

himself. Do not ... what do they call it ... go spare? Treat this as a

learning exercise. Find out why the world is not as you thought it

was. Assemble the facts, digest the information, consider the implications. Then go spare. But with precision.

"Dwarfs have always been law-abiding citizens, captain," he said. "They even pay their taxes. Suddenly they think it"s okay not to report a possible murder?"

Carrot could see the steely glint in Vimes"s eyes. "Well, the fact is-"he began.

"Yes?"

"You see, Hamcrusher is a deep-down dwarf, sir. I mean really deep down. Hates coming to the surface. They say he lives at subsub-basement level. .."

"I know all that. So?"

"So how far down does our jurisdiction go, sir?" said Carrot. "What? As far down as we like!"

"Er, does it say that anywhere, sir? Most of the dwarfs here are from Copperhead and Llamedos and Uberwald," said Carrot. "Those places have surface laws and underground laws. I know it"s not the same here but ... well, it"s how they see the world. And of course Hamcrusher"s dwarfs are all deep-downers, and you know how ordinary dwarfs think about them."

They come bloody close to worshipping them, Vimes thought, pinching the bridge of his nose and shutting his eyes. It just gets worse and worse.

"All right," he said. "But this is Ankh-Morpork and we have our own laws. There can be no harm in us just checking up on the health of brother Hamcrusher, can there? We can knock on the door, can"t we? Say we"ve got good reason to ask? I know it"s only a rumour, but if enough people believe a rumour like that we will not be able to keep a lid on it."

"Good idea, sir."

"Go and tell Angua I want her along. And ... oh, Haddock. And Ringfounder, maybe. You come too, of course." "Er, not a good idea, sir. I happen to know most deep-downers

are nervous about me. They believe I"m too human to be a dwarf."

"Really?"

Six feet three inches in his stockinged feet, thought Vimes. Adopted and raised by dwarfs in a little dwarf mine in the mountains. His dwarfish name is Kzad-bhat, which means Head Banger. He coughed. "Why on earth should they think that, I wonder?" he said.

"All right, I know I"m ... technically human, sir, but size has traditionally never been a dwarfish definition of a dwarf. Hamcrusher"s group aren"t happy about me, though."

"Sorry to hear it. I"ll take Cheery, then."

"Are you mad, sir? You know what they think about female dwarfs who actually admit it!"

"All right, then, I"ll take Sergeant Detritus. They"ll believe in him all right, won"t they?" "Could be said to be a bit provocative, sir-" Carrot began doubtfully.

"Detritus is an Ankh-Morpork copper, captain, just like you and me," said Vimes. "I suppose I"m acceptable, am I?

"Yes, sir, of course. I think you worry them, though."

"I do? Oh: Vimes hesitated. "Well, that"s good. And Detritus is an officer of the law. We"ve still got some law here. And as far as I"m concerned, it goes deep. All the way down."