Thud! (Discworld 34)

Vetinari had said. There was no reason why the Watch should be passed over, was there? It was, after all, a major drain on the city coffers.

Vimes had pointed out that a drain was where things went to waste.

Nevertheless, Vetinari had said. Just nevertheless. You couldn"t argue with "nevertheless.

And the outcome was Mr Pessimal, walking towards Vimes.

He twinkled as he walked. Vimes couldn"t think of another way to describe it. Every move was ... well, neat. Shovel purse and spectacles on a ribbon, I"ll bet, he thought.

Mr Pessimal folded himself on to the chair in front of Vimes"s desk and opened the clasps of his briefcase with two little snaps of doom. With some ceremony he donned a pair of spectacles. They were on a black ribbon.

"My letter of accreditation from Lord Vetinari, your grace," he said, handing over a sheet of paper.

"Thank you, Mr ... A. E. Pessimal," said Vimes, glancing at it and putting it on one side. "And how can we help you? It"s Commander Vimes when I"m at work, by the way."

"I will need an office, your grace. And an oversight of all your paperwork. As you know, I am tasked to give his lordship a complete overview and cost/benefit analysis of the Watch, with any suggestions for improvement in every aspect of its activities. Your co-operation is appreciated but not essential."

"Suggestions for improvement, eh?" said Vimes cheerfully, while behind A. E. Pessimal"s chair Sergeant Littlebottom shut her eyes in dread. "Jolly good. I"ve always been known for my co-operative attitude. I did mention about the Duke thing, did I?"

"Yes, your grace," said A. E. Pessimal primly. "Nevertheless, you are the Duke of Ankh and it would be inappropriate to address you in any other way. I would feel disrespectful."

"I see. And how should I address you, Mr Pessimal?" said Vimes.

Out of the corner of his eye he saw a floorboard on the other side of the room lift almost imperceptibly.

"A. E. Pessimal will be quite acceptable, your grace," said the inspector.

"The A standing for - ?"Vimes said, taking his eyes off the board for a moment.

"Just A, your grace," said A. E. Pessimal patiently. "A. E. Pessimal." "You mean you weren"t named, you were initialled?" "Just so, your grace," said the little man.

"What do your friends call you?"

The first thing Tak did, he wrote himself.

The second thing Tak did, he wrote the Laws.

The third thing Tak did, he wrote the World.

The fourth thing Tak did, he wrote a cave.

The fifth thing Tak did, he wrote a geode, an egg of stone.

And in the twilight of the mouth of the cave, the geode hatched and the Brothers were born.

The first Brother walked towards the light, and stood under the open sky.

Thus he became too tall. He was the first Man. He found no Laws, and he was enlightened.

The second Brother walked towards the darkness, and stood under a roof of stone. Thus he achieved the correct height. He was the first Dwarf. He found the Laws Tak had written, and he was endarkened.

But some of the living spirit of Tak was trapped in the broken stone egg, and it became the first troll, wandering the world unbidden and unwanted, without soul or purpose, learning or understanding. Fearful of light and darkness it shambles for ever in twilight, knowing nothing, learning nothing, creating nothing, being nothing ...

-From "Gd Tak "Gar" (The Things Tak Wrote) trans. Prof. W. W. W Wildblood, Unseen University Press, AM$8. In the original, the last paragraph of the quoted text appears to have been added by a much later hand.

Him who mountain crush him no

Him who sun him stop him no