Thud! (Discworld 34)

"I can hear your teeth chatterin"," said Chrysoprase. "Dis place jus" right for troll, but for you it freezes der brass monkey, right? Dat"s why I bringed dis fur coat: He shrugged it off and held it out. "Dere jus" you and me here, okay?"

Pride was one thing; not being able to feel your fingers was another. Vimes wrapped himself in the fine, warm fur.

"Good. Can"t talk to a man whose ear are froze, eh?" said Chrysoprase, pulling out a big cigar case. "Firstly, I am hearin" where one of my boys was disrespectful to you. I am hearin" how him suggestin" I am der kind of troll dat would get pers"nal, dat would raise a hand to your lovely lady an" your liddle boy who is growin" up so fine. Sometimes I am despairin" o" young trolls today. Dey show no respect Dey have no style. Dey lack finesse. If you are wanting a new rockery in your garden, just say der word."

"What? Just make sure I never clap eyes on him again," said Vimes shortly.

"Dat will not be a problem," said the troll. He indicated a small box, about a foot square, beside the crate. It was far too small to contain a whole troll.

Vimes tried to ignore it, but found this hard. "Was that all you wanted to see me for?" he said, trying to stop his imagination playing its home-made horrors across his inner eyeballs.

"Smokin, Mister Vimes?" Chrysoprase said, flipping open the case. "Der ones on der left is okay for humans. Finest kind."

"I"ve got my own," said Vimes, pulling out a battered packet. "What is this about? I"m a busy man."

Chrysoprase lit a silvery troll cigar and took a long pull. There was a smell like burning tin.

"Yeah, busy because dat of dwarf dies," he said, not looking at Vimes. "Well?"

"It was no troll done it," said Chrysoprase.

"How do you know?"

Now the troll looked directly at Vimes. "If it was, I would have foun" out by now. I bin askin" questions:

"So are we."

"I bin askin" questions more louder," said the troll. "I get lotsa answers. Sometimes I am gettin" answers to questions I ain"t even asked yet."

I bet you are, Vimes thought. I have to obey rules. "Why should you care who kills a dwarf?" he said.

"Mister Vimes! I am a honest citizen! It my public duty to care!" Chrysoprase watched Vimes"s face to see how this was playing, and grinned. "All this stoopid Koom Valley t"ing is bad for business. People are gettin" edgy, pokin" around, askin" questions. I am sittin" dere gettin" nervous. An" den I hear my of friend Mister Vimes is on der case and I am thinkin, that Mister Vimes, he may be very insensitive to the nu-unces of troll culture some times, but der man is straight as a arrow and dere are on him no flies. He will see where dis so-called troll left his club behind an" he is laughin" his head off, it is so see-through like glass! Some dwarf did it an" want to make der trolls look bad, Kew Eee Dee." He sat back.

"What club?" said Vimes quietly.

"What"s dat?"

"I haven"t mentioned a club. There was nothing in the paper about a troll club."

"Dear Mister Vimes, dat"s what der lawn ornaments is sayin"," said Chrysoprase.

"And dwarfs talk to you, do they?" said Vimes.

The troll looked thoughtfully at the roof, and blew out more smoke. "Eventually," he said. "But dat"s jus" detail. Jus" between you an" me, here an" now. We unnerstan" dese t"ings. It is clear as anyt"ing dat der crazy dwarfs had a fight, or der of dwarf died o" bein" alive too long, or-"

"-or you asked him a few questions?"

"No callin" for dat, Mister Vimes. Dat club is nothin" but a red dried swimmin" t"ing. Der dwarfs put it dere.

"Or a troll did the murder, dropped his club and ran," said Vimes. "Or he was clever, and thought: no one would believe a troll would be so stupid as to leave his club so if I do leave it, the dwarfs will get the blame."

"Hey, good job it so cold in here or I wouldn"t be followin" you!" laughed Chrysoprase. "But den I ask, a troll gets into a nest o" dem lousy deep-downers and lays out jus" one? No way, Jose, eh? He"d whack as many of "em as he could, thud, thud!"

He looked at Vimes"s puzzlement and sighed.

"See, any troll gettin" in dere, he"d be a mad troll to start with. You know how der kids are all wound up? People bin feeding dem that honour an" glory an" destiny stuff, that coprolite rots your brain faster"n Slab, faster even than Slide. From what I am hearin, the dwarf got knocked off for-rensic, all slick an" quiet. We don"t do dat, Mister Vimes. You played der game, you know it. Get a troll in der middle o" a load of dwarfs, he is like a fox in der....em fings wi" wings, layin" dem egg fings . .

"Fox in a henhouse?"