Thud! (Discworld 34)

"Give my regard to der of lady at next door to der cake shop," said the troll.

"Er, I will, will I?" said Vimes, nonplussed. "Sergeant!"

The door at the far end opened with a bang and Detritus ran in, crossbow at the ready. Vimes, aware that one of the troll"s few faults was an inability to understand all the implications of the term "safety catch, fought down a dreadful urge to dive for the ground.

"Time"s comin" when we all got to know where we standin"," mused Chrysoprase, as if talking to the audience of ghostly pork. "An" who is standin" next to us."

As Vimes headed for the door the troll added: "Give der coat to your lady, Mister Vimes. Wi" my compliments." slammed the Gooseberry down on the desk and picked up the small loaf of dwarf bread that for the last few years he"d used as a paperweight.

"Switch off or die," he growled.

"Now, I can see you"re slightly upset," said the imp, looking up at the looming loaf, "but could I ask you to look at things from my point of view? This is my job. This is what I am. I am, therefore I think. And I think we could get along famously if you would only read the manu- Please, no! I really could help you!"

[1] Vimes had got around to a Clean Desk policy. It was a Clean Floor strategy that eluded him at the moment.

Vimes hesitated in mid thump, and then carefully put down the loaf.

"How?" he said.

"You"ve been adding up the numbers wrong," said the imp. "You don"t always carry the tens."

"And how would you know that?" Vimes demanded. "You mutter to yourself," said the imp.

"You eavesdrop on me?"

"It"s my job! I can"t switch my ears off! I have to listen! That"s how I know about the appointments!"

Vimes picked up the Petty Cash report and glanced at the messy columns of figures. He prided himself on what he had, since infancy, called "sums: Yes, he knew he plodded a bit, but he got there in the end.

"You think you could do better?" he said.

"Let me out and give me a pencil!" said the imp. Vimes shrugged. It had been a strange day, after all. He opened the little cage door.

The imp was a very pale green and translucent, a creature made out of little more than coloured air, but it was able to grip the tiny pencil stub. It ran up and down the column of figures in the petty cash book and, Vimes was pleased to hear, it muttered to itself.

"It"s out by three dollars and five pence," it reported after a few seconds.

"That"s fine, then," said Vimes.

"But the money is not accounted for!"

"Oh yes it is," said Vimes. "It was stolen by Nobby Nobbs. It always is. He never steals more than four dollars fifty."

"Would you like me to make an appointment for a disciplinary interview?" said the imp, hopefully.

"Of course not. I"m signing it off now. Er, thank you. Can you add up the other dockets?"

The imp beamed. "Absolutely!"

Vimes left it scribbling happily and walked over to the window.

They don"t acknowledge our law and they undermine our city. That"s

not just a bunch of deep-downers here to keep their fellow dwarfs on the

straight and narrow. How far do those tunnels go? Dwarfs dig like crazy.

But why here? What are they looking for? As sure as any hell you choose,